4/28/08
Q
Tiffany from Illinois asked:
Hi,
My fiance and I are going through a tough time. We recently got engaged, and it
doesn't seem like his mom likes it too much. She is allowing him to move to
their upstairs apartment so he can have his own space. His brother lives in the
2nd floor apartment with his girlfriend. When asked if I could stay with him, the
answer is no and I can't spend the night. she's being really unfair. we recently
wrote her a letter expressing our feelings about everything. now, she won't talk
to either one of us. We feel that is so childish. She's mad because we told her
how we felt?! We'd like to talk to her about what we wrote..but she won't talk
to us. I mean, we're getting married, we'd like to come to some kinda common
ground..so we can have peace at our wedding. Although our wedding is a while
from now, we'd like to have peace between the 3 of us. Should we just leave it
alone..and she'll come around when she wants or....? What do you suggest we do?
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4/30/08
A
Mike answers:
Hi Tiffany. Well it is always great to try and keep the peace. Sometimes that is all you can do, especially in situations like this.
I know it is tough when such sensative emotions are involved, but sadly some people have heads harder than a walnut. Fortunately we have a great many people like you and your fiance
and others in our aaaunity community that are progressive and understand what it means to look past supercifial aspects of other people; but unfortunately, we have been in a slow and
arduous transitional phase from the more ignorant past of which so many are still stuck in like quick sand. It's a misfortune, yes, that your apparant mother-in-law to be is one of these
people whose sensabilities and social understanding are stuck in the mud. It sounds like you and your fiance do not intend on halting your wedding plans regardless of this, and that is a good
sign for you two. I believe more and more people are beginning to understand, as they should, that a wedding is solely about the bride and the groom, everything and everyone else is just
fodder. I've talked to alot of people who have not concerned themselves with those who are acting like grey clouds to stop there plans to marry, even if that means a very private wedding
on a beach front with just the groom, the bride and a minister of ceremonies. You are absolutely right in trying to make efforts to have peace between you all, but if she has not
taken her head out of the sand by the time of your wedding and decides to do something childish and selfish like not honoring her invitation, than that is her loss and not you guys. Like I said, this unfortunate
circumstance is all too common and not simply because of ethnic biases but all sorts of biases. We have headed into a fast track where people from all walks of life are getting together with
whomever they want, where as in the old days, so many lines were so crisply drawn into the sand; whether they be lines of ethnicity, religion, class or age.
All you can do is continue to love each other and hope that love can be infectious enough to change the heart of your man's mother. And regardless of any ignorant things she may say to you
simply take the higher ground and let it role off of your shoulder. I know that is hard to do, but those of us who are trying to make this world a better place cannot succeed if we allow ourselves
to swan dive into the sea of crap that bigoted people are currently swimming in. Lead by example, if possible.
I know, some folks will never change. That is a sad fact, but by keeping the peace, you can atleast make sure that reconciliation is an opened ended possibility. Regarding the double standard
with your fiance and his brother and his girlfriend; well, I find that funny and let me tell you why. Apparently, your future mother-in-law has her own personal philosophy as to why she disapproves
of her son being with you. And whatever way she may try to legitimize these reasons, we know that it means to her that you represent something that is "beneath a standard". Well, some people
may consider a couple living together out of wedlock a bad thing and below a moral standard as well. I do not say this to try and cast aspersions on anyone for how they conduct themselves, but I am simply
trying to make the point that there are so many people ready to belittle another person for any perceived "higher morality" reason, yet we all can easily be viewed as less than par for all sorts
of perceived notions. The funny things is that most reasons people have as to why they do not approve of some other person are unwarranted, derogatory and baseless. And further, "he who is without
sin cast the first stone", ya dig me? And last time I checked, no one's ethnicity was a sin. So for anyone to cast aspersions on the next man or woman for what God made them to be, only shows just how little of
a person they actually are. Does that mean that a small minded person can't grow? No it doesn't. Time and love can heal a great many things. So even if you have to say hello and goodbye and
never get a response back, so what! Continue to be the person you are who loves her son very much and allow the fact to be the fact, that you will make him a good wife. Allow for your fiance to deal
with her himself as she is his mother. Though she may feel angry with him right now, he is still her son and if she breaks her silent treatment with anyone first, it would be him, obviously. So let him be the arbitor
between you two; as best as he can humanly do.
I know you do not wish to feel like a catalyst for any strain in the relationship between the man you love and his mother, but that is not your fault if all you have been is respectful and courteous to her; it
is her own fault for being ignorant and bigoted. So by being patience and cordial and allowing your fiance to deal with her, he would not resent you in anyway down the line for the divide between them, for he would know
that you love him and that you tried and continue to try for his sake.
In the process of dealing with his mom, he should never sit back and allow his mother to talk to you or about you to him with any disrespect without addressing it. I am not saying that he should
disrespect her back, but he should never allow any disparaging comments about you go unchallenged. He should always rebut with kind words about you and to reiterate his love for you and how
your love has improved his life and not been a detrimant like she would choose to believe. You see, people who live in a negative place say and do things to try and bring others down to their level.
This way, it allows their minds to create a legitimizing
logic for their twisted and ignorant point of view; do not fall for this trap. If she remains adamate about her feelings against your union then respectully tell her that it is too bad she cannot
accept the wonderful love you two have, and that it is equally as unfortunate she has decided to not be a part of it, but nothing will change between you two and that when she is ready, your
door is always open to talk and move forward in a positive direction. Do not fight fire with fire. That is the most asinine concept I think I have ever heard. It is so obvious that you fight fire with water.
Fighting fire with fire only leads to a greater and more ferociously raging fire. In drawing the parallel, you do not fight hate with hate if your desire is to eliminate it, you fight it with love. That may
sound hokey to some, but if you search your common sense and your human feelings, you unarguably know this to be true. At least this way someone wins (you two), the other way no one wins.
I am not saying this just to hear myself talk either. I can say this from experience. My mother-in-law was never excited about my union with her daughter but I never disrespected her no matter what
she may have done. I also, never got in the way of my wife an her mothers relationship. I allow them to work their differences out themselves. There are plenty of times my wife gets so frustrated with
her mother's ignorance that she is ready to throw in the towel, but I never encourage that course of action. By doing this, my wife knows that I always have her best interest at heart, for in the end
the relationship between the wife and and husband far outweighs everything else.
Do not concern yourself with the double standards his mom is holding you two under, but if the love between you is as true as it should be, than you will have no problem dealing with the fact
not everyone will support your union. Do not allow an ignorant person's foolishness make you feel like you are having a tough time. Take time to really think about everything I have said to you here, in its entirety.
Even the parts that may sound like you already know. There is always a new piece of a puzzle that can help you see the greater picture more clearly and give you the insight to make more equitable
decisions. Good luck my sister.
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11/04/07
Q
Mother of Bold Spirit from Texas asked:
Good Afternoon,
I am an African American woman who was in a relationship with a Japanese man.
I was with him because I thought he was a good man but when I came up pregnant
he was very insistant that I get an abortion because "the Asian community will never accept a half Asian Child!";
he also felt I did this on purpose to get his money. As you can guess we broke up and he now refuses to have
anything to do with his son. While I was 7 months pregnant he called to apologize that he wasn't there for me
and knew I did not do this on purpose. I asked him if he wanted me to call him when I was in labor & he said yes.
I was of course extremely happy because I felt he was going to be in his son's life. Well, long story short, my son is
now 6 months & has only seen his father 3 times, and he has not paid a cent yet. I dont want to deny my son any part
of his heritage, but I was purposely waiting on filing child support knowing his fathers proud nature.
Any suggestions before forcing the issue?
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11/05/07
A
Mike answers:
Hello Mother of Bold Spirit. I know you may feel like your world is ablaze right now, and I am not one to describe to
you the color of the flames when all you want is to know how to put it out. So I won't bore you with things you
may already be quite aware of. Obviously you are conscious of the fact that your child deserves monetary support,
but there is no reason why you should hold off on getting a court order to compel his father to pay what he morally
should for his son. It is obvious that you made a terrible miscalculation when it comes to your choice in your ex. But
right now it is nolonger a matter of you and him. It is all about your child first. So many women make the mistake of
"waiting" to file for support, because they listen to some song and dance from the father when he comes around
talking about how sorry he is for saying hurtful things when you first spring the news about your pregnancy. Your
story I've seen so many times before; always several months into the woman's pregnancy is when the absent father
comes around with his song and dance. The truth of he matter is that he is wishing to dupe the mother into not
filing for child support. He sometimes will go as far as continuing a relationship with the girl (whom he truly doesn't
want to have anything else to do with), sometimes even marriage. Why you may ask? Because it is cheaper to keep her; as the
saying goes. Now I am not saying that he will try to pretend to stay in a relationship with you, at least that would show
some kind of ability to be commited to something. He may be one of those real corn balls who come around every
now and again with some pampers and a toy, hoping that the mother will never wise up to his game.
His pride? What on earth does he have to be proud about? Telling you to destroy your child? Listen, if you haven't
done it already, file for support as soon as possible. Get that court order now so that even if he winds up being a
dead beat dad, and still doesn't cough up the green, you will have legal right to arrearages or the option to have
his wages garnished to fulfill the issuance of the support mandate. All of this waiting to hope and see if he will be
a man and be a proper dad or even a good mate, that can all remain to be seen afterward. If after you get the child
support order, he begins to make amends for his past transgressions against you, then maybe you can consider to forgive
him and try working on creating a family. The two of you made adult choices, there is no reason your child should
suffer if those choices were too much for either of you to handle. This whole thing about him telling you about how
the "Asian community will never accept a half Asian Child", that all means nothing to a real man. The issue of race
obviously meant nothing to him when he was having sex with you. He is simply using race as an excuse for not
being up to the task of being a father.
Since you said that your son has only seen his father three times in six months, it is clear that he doesn't really
want to have a relationship with you. If that were the case he would obviously be around more, if not just to be
with you let alone his child. Do not for one moment make yourself believe that just because his father is not around
that your son will be somehow unaware of his Japanese heritage. In todays world it is not so difficult to expose
our children to culture. Yes it would be easier if he could have his father do it, but that does not mean you cannot
teach him. I am sure you may be apprehensive of taking your ex to court for support, for fear that it may drive
him away from being around his son as a father, but like I said earlier, one has not got anything to do with other.
It is one of the few truly good things about our court system in that even though a parent may not want to be there
for their children emotionally, they will have no choice but to be there financially.
Do what is right by your child first. No matter how angry your ex may be about it, doesn't mean you have to be
angry back. You are simply doing what is necessary for the benefit of the human being you both created. All you
can do is get the support and be as diplomatic as possible with your son's father. Because if he is always in a fight
with you, that will be the thing that will get in the way of him ever wanting to develop a relationship with his son,
not a court order. If he is ever late on paying up, there is no need for you to raise hell. Let the court system do
the fighting for you.
I know you were probably hoping for me to tell you some miraculous way of getting what you need without
"forcing" the support issue, but there really isn't any other way around it. And I am almost positive I am not the
only one who has told you that you should not dilly-dally with filing for it, since I am not the only person out
here with common sense. But something tells me that there is still some hope in the back of your mind that perhaps
you can get past this dilemma and maybe rekindle what you once had with your ex. I could be wrong, but the nature of
your words tends to swing a third party opinion in that direction. There's nothing wrong with hoping for such ideal
outcomes, but as I said earlier, first things first, you can always see what time will tell about the true nature of
this man. Frankly, it would show more so if he really cares about you and his son if after he is ordered to pay child
support and he then wants to try and rekindle what you had and move forward as a family.
Before I close, I will say again, to others who may be reading this as well; this again is a testimate to what I always warn
people about. It is a great thing when people of differing ethnicities are attracted to one another, but do not be
so naive to think that there is something sooo special about any one particular group. The only thing that makes
us any different from one another is the surface area of our cultures. Other than that, we are no different. I know
the television tries to portray specific people in very specific derogatory stereotypical ways, but the fact is that
all people, men and women alike, have the same sort of short comings as they do good qualities. So before you or
anyone else out there hops into the bed with someone without protection, remember to try and delve into what
makes that person tick. Know the content of their character. Conversation is a beautiful thing and time is it's closest
friend. I tell people all the time to get to know who they are dating very well, and it takes time to do that. Don't
be in such a rush to want to "love" someone, let alone screw someone. The reason why I say time is so important
is because time affords many different situations to see how someone reaction in said situations. How anyone reacts
to a situation says alot about who they are, or a least shows what their weaknesses may be and what they may
need help in improving; for no one is perfect and everyone needs a chance to make changes for the better. But
even though people can make mistakes and can be forgiven for them, sometimes those choices can put you in a
situation where the clock cannot be turned back and the outcome has put you in a new situation that is tougher than
where you previously were. As you well know now.
Well, regardless of what miscalculated decision you may have made, your son if here now, and he is a blessing!
God works in ways we have yet to fully understand. On this earth there is only one thing greater than ourselves and
that is our children. So do what is right by him first. Hopefully, his father sees it the same way and man's up to do
what is right too. You know, you can even show him this message I have written you. He will of course be quite
offended by it because it does not show him in the greatest light, but I would love for him to prove me wrong.
I do not choose to orate scathing words to hurt people. Sometimes tough love is what is necessary to show
folks the error of their ways, and maybe, just maybe, they will correct those errors. He has my prayers as a brother
of the human race, and so do you and your son, my sister. Good luck to you and God bless.
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10/07/07
Q
Square from Pennsylvania asked:
Dear Mike,
I met my boyfriend in Ghana. It has only been two months, but we are both serious about it.
My traditional parents aren’t racist, but when it comes to dating/marriage, they want me to marry an Asian man.
I told them about my relationship a week ago, and they were very shocked and didn't take it very well.
They are both very unhappy about the news and want me to break up with him, because to them, 2 months can't mean much.
I’m very close to them and hate making them unhappy. I’ve always been the "good daughter" but for this situation, I’m so torn.
I want to keep my parents happy but at the same time, if I break up with my boyfriend, we’ll be heart broken.
I completely understand their view because it is hard for them to just adjust their views, after having been raised in their own culture for over 50 years.
This makes it harder for me to just do what I want.
I know that ideally, I give my parents some time to accept us, but I am not sure if that will ever happen. Any advice?
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10/07/07
A
Mike answers:
Hello Square. Well, so much of the problems we face with dealing with one another today has to do with misguided perceptions about a great many things.
Because there are racist people in this world, and since these same true blue blooded racists have gone far and beyond to thwart the images of different
kinds of people around the globe, we all have warped views and ideas about each other. So even though there may be some of us who may believe we
are not "racist", still exhibit behavior similar to being one. You told me that your parents are not racist, and I'll have to take your word for that, but
obviously they have been unduely influenced by the negative stigma attached to the dark skinned man of this earth; and lets face it, there isn't one group
of people on this earth that has not had there image and integrity attacked and besmurched as horribly as the men and women of African descent. And just
as you may have a group of people who's image is attacked in a negative way, so does a propogated image of positivity of another group influences the
minds of others. I am not bunching every last one of them into this statement, but let's be honest about this, Caucasian people of this globe are primarily
the ones responsible for both the negative imagary of African people (and others), and for the false impression that they are the golden people of the planet.
Now before you or anybody else reading this says that I am wrong, I would bet that if you came home with a Caucasian man as your loving boyfriend instead
of your love from Ghana, they would most likely have a very different attitude about it, regardless of the fact that he was not Asian. This is because around the globe,
especially in America, people of color have a subconscience belief that "white" is right, due the to the false propaganda that I mentioned earlier. I've seen this dynamic
over and over and over again. I have experienced it with my own in-laws and have seen other acquaintences who have similar circumstances. And this dynamic is not
solely an issue amongst African and Asian people either; all groups of people of color suffer from this "white-washed" condition. I am not talking about the people
who are in the relationship with the Caucasian individuals, but for the families and friends who would either accept or deny the relationship because the person
was either of African descent or Caucasian. I say all of this because I do not want you to kid yourself about the nature of racism around us, even amongst
the people closest to us.
I always look at it like this. If we are good enough to be friends with one another, and if you are willing and able to be friendly to or befriend someone else of another culture,
then there should not be any reason why closer type relationships should be a problem. To be pleasant to people; smile in their face, even be cordial, respectful and so on,
but turn around and have a grave problem when their son or daughter likes or loves someone who looks exactly like the people they smile and treat cordially on a daily basis,
only shows that they are a hyprocrate. It shows that their so-called kindness and universality is merely patronizing at best. Like you are doing someone a great favor by
not being an asshole to them in their face. Don't call me friend when you see me and then call me a son-of-a-bitch when I date your sister, or daughter or cousin, you get
what I'm saying? It is usally the types who say they are not racist who act in this very way.
Furthermore, to continue with the thesis of how our perceptions of things are so misguided; what changed that you are no longer "the good daughter"? You see why I'm asking
you that? What did you do or are doing that is so "bad" that you are not being a good daughter? Your love for your guy is not wrong or bad. It is your parents who
are acting badly, not you, if they are giving you a hard time about him based on purely superficial things.
Are they even giving this man a chance before judging him? Obviously there are good qualities to this gentlemen's character for you
to say that you would be heart broken to break up with him. Maybe your parents are not so far gone as it may appear. Sometimes time can heal many ills that
affect the minds and hearts of people. Perhaps, given time, they will grow to see that they were wrong for judging him by his ethnic background, who knows.
But what I do know is that your heart will never be free if you allow the social shortcomings of others dictate who you give your heart to. You could bring home
a man who is Asian or even Caucasian and that may make your parents happy, but if you are settling for someone simply to make them happy, then you will never
truly be.
You are obviously a woman who lives by her heart, because if you didn't, let's face it you would never have gotten involved with this man in the first place. I mean you
already knew what your parents attitudes were about such a relationship before hand, let's be honest. So besides that, you chose to date this man. I both applaud and
respect you for that. It shows that you are not an ignorant nor judgmental person. You should be proud of the kind of person you are. But, do not turn your
back on who you are now. You are a grown woman; why should the question of you breaking up with your boyfriend even be an issue simply because your
parents cannot see past the shade of one's skin or the nation of one's solidarity? I know you haven't been dating this man for very long and because of that you
are obviously going to weigh your parent's feeling more than your own, but it's one thing to allow our parents opinions dictate what kind of food we eat and another
on who we decide we care about or love. If you allow that to happen now, your heart will be a slave to other people's desires forever. And considering many Asian
culture's history of forcing their women to marry a man they don't love, sometimes don't even know, you would think when having the freedom to make your own
choices for such a thing, that you would not let the socially inept views of an antiquated few rob you of that choice.
My wife and mine's situation for example, the majority of my in-laws had a problem with her dating me (because of the same sort of dynamics eluded to earlier), and
some of them at this point has grown to "tolerate" the relationship, but do you think we care whether or not they had or still have a problem with it? Heck no!
We love each other so much and grow closer to each other each year we are together that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, family or not.
I do not mean that a parent, or anyone else close to you, does not have the right to be concerned about you. If your guy turns out to be a total jack-off then
frankly, you should tell him to hit the bricks, regardless of what their opinion is of him anyway. But if that were the case (and I hope not), then before folks like your
mom and dad begin patting themselves on the back thinking that they convinced you nothing good would have come from dating him because he was
African, then you should promptly correct them and say that it was merely his personal short-comings and not his whole people. For we are all individuals
when it comes to integrity, honor and dignity or lack thereof.
Square, I ask that you carefully read and comprehend all that I have told you, even when my words may seem direct and harsh. Directness is sometimes necessary
for people to not overlook the things they would normally try and abate from their conscience; thus the nature of true honest advice. True advice is not telling someone
what they want to here or what is always easy to hear.
Culture is a beautiful and splendid thing, but even one's culture should not define who they are as a person. Once that happens, instead of lifting one's spirits, all culture would do
is crush and destroy one's spirits; making them feel trapped instead of liberated. This is why so many of the most recent generations are finding it easier to abandon their heritages all together. Young people
naturally want to commingle and share of themselves with those around them, but when that is met with opposition from older misguided and stagnant minds it tends to suffocate
the natural spiritual growth of youth. So ironically, the ridiculously strict and stagnant attitudes of the elders of a society have the complete opposite effect they wished for.
Especially when matters of love are involved. I mean how can you respect and celebrate anything that stifles something as wonderful and glorious as love?
Take it all to heart my sister. And who knows, perhaps the time you do give your parents to accept you all will heal their hearts. Good Luck!
Have an opinion about or want to discuss anything you have read here? Then join our forums and start a thread!
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