9/09/07
Q
Taikodeb from California asked:
Dear Mike,
I've been seeing an African American Sunni Muslim man for two years and he's getting more and more critical of my contact with other men.
I am totally in love with him and have eyes only for him. I have male friends and colleagues and I have female friends and colleagues.
He is increasingly bothered by my contact with my male friends and says that I'm insulting his manhood.
Please understand that the most I do is to occasionally have coffee or lunch with these friends!
I'm starting to feel pretty insulted myself because I've made it very clear that I'm head over heels for him and am a real straight arrow in these matters--very, very monogamous.
I feel a real connection to him as another person of color but he's made several references to me being "White."
So I'm starting to feel like he doesn't 'get' me in several different ways.
He accuses me of being "culturally insensitive" when I have contact with male friends. Please help me understand all this!
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9/09/07
A
Mike answers:
Hi Taikodeb. First off, my sister, I must commend you for being in the right mind as to recognize yourself as a person of "color". Not for nothing, but I
personally come across many Asian people who would refer to themselves as white. Probably because of the whole "white-wash" thing that goes on
in this society, but at any rate, it is refreshing. My Chinese wife is equally as cogent in proclaiming who she is, and she too gets disturbed when
other people of color refer to her as "white". That is simply a sign of a person who is not truly educated about the people of this world and their
backgrounds. I hate to say this about your man but he seems to fall under this category. Before I go any further, I must say to you that please do
not get discouraged about how other brothers and sisters of color perceive and accept you based on a few people who may not understand that
Asian people are not Caucasian.
I am all for promoting the unity between all people of color, specifically in cases like ours, Asian and African American people, but even before that
my main concern is for the welfare of all my brothers and sisters. I do not know your man, but from what you tell me, your situation does not sound
too great. For the most part many relationships women get into that end up abusive start off great. According to the words you chosen to describe
your situation, it sounds like he is progressively getting more and more jealous and possessive. If what you say is true and you have given him no
apparent reason to distrust you, then I would personally be concerned about how he's been acting. I really do not like associating particular behavior
based on someone's religious, political or cultural beliefs, because I believe that usually people try to use such things to make excuses for the bad
decisions or actions to make. However, from what I do know about the Muslim community, women are somewhat subjectified and the men can
sometimes be very domineering over there women. He may consider you conserting with other men, friendship or otherwise, as an "insult to his manhood"
because men who usually come from a patriarchal culture tend to think this way. Now, do not take all what I said too far to heart, for I do not
know him enough, but I do feel it is my responsibility to at least let you see all the other plausible explanations to why you are in the situation you are
in. Only then can you truly make a sound decision about your problem.
Trust is everything in a relationship. True love deserve a strong faith in that love. I agree, you should feel insulted. Love is also realistic. We live
in a world where many other men and women reside, so we are bound to have some kind of contact with the opposite sex; whether it be at work, clients,
business partners, the people who we hire to put new siding on our homes, the check out clerk at a hotel, etc. etc. So to get all bent out of shape
because you have a few male friends simply shows a great deal of insecurity on your boyfriend's part. The ironic part about situations like this, is that
the person who is insecure (that has no reason to be) usually winds up doing and saying stupid things to drive the person who love them away. So
in essence, they end up creating the problem they were so worried about in the first place.
Listen Taikodeb, I am all for love, but some kinds of love are tainted. I know that my words are probably the last thing you expected to hear, but life
is not about all things we want to hear. I pray that everything I have deduced is incorrect. I do hope that your man is actually a kind, sensitive and
loving man and that it is simply a matter of his self esteem needing a boost and some security to replace his insecurity. But in case my instincts are correct, you may
need to seriously reconsider staying in this relationship.
I know you love him, so for that reason and that reason only, I would say you should have a very serious conversation with him, letting him know
how the way he is acting is both insulting the integrity of your love for him, and is making you feel uncomfortable. I would also let him know that
unjustly attacking you verbally by referring to you as a "white" girl is not only inaccurate but uncalled for. It is no different that if he were to call you
out of your name by calling you the "b" word or something. One of the true ways to test the trueness of someones love for you is to observe how
compassionate they are when you poor your heart out to them. Will they consider your feelings on the matter or will they totally disregard how you
feel and concentrate on what only conerns themselves? Yeah, it's true love does sometimes consist of compromises, if you need to reduce the frequency
of time you hang out with your male friends to make him happy and if that is something you can live with then so be it, but if he truly loves you
he should not ask you to choose him over your friends. If he is a budding domineerer, then trust me, first it will be your male friends, then it will be a problem
with your female friends (because they may have male friends) and eventually he may try and keep you from family. That does sound extreme, yes, and
you may not be able to see it now, but if you ever had thoughts of marriage, usually men of that type get worse after marriage; because then they
are under the impression that they own you.
It all boils down to what you are willing to put up with, and what you are willing to give up for love. There is nothing wrong with compromise but
no one should compromise anything that makes them no longer who they are. If you are a people person, and have no problem making friends
with people, no one should make you turn away from that, especially for reasons that have no basis in fact. It is no different then the many statements I
receive from people who say to me that their family or friends tell them they should get rid of a lover because they are of a different ethnic background.
It is wrong for a parent to ask a child to choose them over love, just like it is wrong for a lover to ask someone to choose them over old friends.
It's one thing if anyone on the outside of your relationship was actively trying to cause a riff between you two. For instance, if one of the so-called friends
were actually into you and was trying to make a move on you; then quite honestly it would be your place to put that "friend" in their place, then cut
them off. But from what you say, it doesn't sound that way.
It is your decision on what you need to do. You are fully aware of the details of your circumstance, you simply have to make an adult decision on
where you are willing to allow this relationship to lead. If you decide you cannot handle the relationship with this man, I do hope you do not become
jaded with dating African American men all together. Remember, every person, every man is different and have their own positives and negatives.
Not all brothers are insecure or domineering. If you choose to try and make it work, and I hope that you can, then more power to you. Good luck and
God bless my sister.
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7/28/07
Q
Damien asked:
Hi, my name is Damien. I am an African American and my girlfriend is Vietnamese, and I love her so much, but we have
to keep our relationship on the down low! We have been together for 2 years and everything is great. She is my soul-mate
and I want to marry her, we talked about it and she is not ready now; my family loves her, but her mom and dad have not met me.
They will not ever accept me, and I am afraid.
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7/29/07
A
Mike answers:
Hi Damien. My question to you woulde be, what is there to be so "afraid" of? I think we in this society get so caught up in the "ideal" of things that
we too often get disapointed in what winds up being the reality of a situation. Every person out there would love to be able to have a good relationship
with the family of those we hold dear in our hearts, but as you well know, that is more often not the case. But that should not be a reason to be afraid
about it. Yes the ideal is an illusive thing but that does not mean we should allow the reality to petrify us. Do not believe that your girlfriend's family will
"never" come around, Damien. Unless you are a psychic there is no way you can guarantee the outcome of what her parent's view of you and you guys'
relationship will be in the long run; even if at present their point of view is quite askew from common sense and rationality. Time is powerful in that it
offers chances for the fostering of positive changes from what was once negative. Yeah, I know, that is not always the case. But listen to what you
even told me. You said that she is your "soul-mate" and that you want to marry her. No sort of opinion or circumstance can stand in the way of love like
that; unless you yourself allow it to. You did not explain to me the specifics as to why you have not yet met her parents, and you did not say that they
even know about you, so again, if that is the case there is no reason for you to assume that they will never like you when they do meet you. The best
thing that you can do is to be who you are and give her parents the respect they deserve as her parents and as fellow human beings; even if they do not show you
the same respect (I mean there is no reason for you to lower yourself to the level of the ignorant), unless their bigotry (if there is any) goes so deep that
they go too far in their disrespect. Then, you of course would have to defend your dignity. Even then, try to show some restraint in such a case, afterall
they are still your soul-mate's parents. If you are in a situation where your potential in-laws are not nice to you because they may be bigoted, if
you are not to keep your cool and go off on them in front of your woman, all you would have done then is fall right into their hands, only making yourself look
bad in front of your woman. Sometimes, it is a matter of just knowing when to gracefully walk away. Remember, regardless of what anyone tells you, when
you marry someone, you are not marrying their whole family; you are marrying that one individual of whom you will become one with. Yes, your respective
families are definately a part of who your significant other or potential significant other is, but if everyone used that as a major criteria for if one should marry
somebody or whether a marriage can last then no relationship would last or even get off the ground. There will always be someone out there, for what ever reason,
that will disagree with the union of a couple. So what?
Listen Damien, there is no sound reason for you or your woman to not allow a meeting between you and her parents to take place. I mean, for real. You guys
are not children for crying out loud. What is wrong with the world when grown adults are afraid of openly professiing their love for someone? Remember,
the main person you have to be concerned with proving your integrity to is your woman. As far as everyone else is concerned, all you can do is be who you are
and nothing less. If they cannot accept you for who you are, then so be it. Like I said before, time is all you would have to rely on the see if whether or not
these nay sayers to your integrity as a human being will learn the errors of their assumptive ways and treat you with the respect and maybe even one day love
you deserve. In your case Damien, the only thing you would have to fear is if your woman's feelings for you are not the same as yours; for she is the one you
have an emotional vested interest in. Concetrate your emotions and your thoughts on what is the best thing for making your relationship grow stronger rather
than wasting time worrying about whether or not some third party likes you or not. That is usually nothing but a recipe for disaster for any relationship, to worry
about everyone else's feelings and concerns rather than that of the one who matters most. It is a real possibility that you will never win over the hearts of
your lady's parents but you can gain their respect, by treating their daughter the way a man who loves her should. Think carefully of all that I have just said and
incorporate that with your own knowledge and wisdom and I am sure that you will be fine. Good luck Damien.
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7/18/07
Q
Noodle from Illinois asked:
I am an African American woman dating a Hindu Indian man.
My situation is bothering me. A few of his close friends know about me and have befriended me.
However, he doesn't engage me in his office parties because he says the people are prejudice.
Also, he asked me to come and meet his family with him in another state but took it back.
He says its just his timing. I should also note he has not dated a lot and his family has never really known him to date ( not their custom).
My main concern was when he went to visit his family, he did not call me at all.
I confronted him and he just said he was busy. His sister, who knows about me, even questioned why he had not reached out to me.
His defense was he just has a block and did not think to. We've been dating about 10 months and we talk everyday, why wouldn't we talk?
I guess to sum it up, I am trying to figure out if he does not want to bring me in his circle or is it because he's never really dated and does not know "protocol"
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7/18/07
A
Mike answers:
Hi Noodle. I ofcourse do not know every aspect of what makes your boyfriend the man he his, but from what you tell me it rings of so many common and unpalatable truths that
are so often a problem with some people who decide to get into an inter-ethnic relationship. You said you were only dating for 10 months so I guess that the feelings, though
they may make you all warm and fuzzy inside, are not really so deep yet. You must realize that the best way to get to know someone is to witness how they conduct themselves
in varying situations. In life there are a plethora of situations one can experience. This is why it is wise to not allow your feelings to run faster than your common sense.
Many of us are often surprised by how a boyfriend or girlfriend reacts to specific circumstances; sometimes in a pleasent way and sometimes in a disappointing way, because
it is only then will we see what that person is truly made of. To be honest, no one knows how they will even fair or what they will do in a situation they have never been in either.
That is a part of getting to know one's self. For that reason, it is always good be patience with someone else. Usually, most people will never fair too well when facing uncomfortable
social situations. But that does not mean that they will not make the right decisions in the end. Though, honestly speaking, when it comes to adults, most people act exactly
how they have mentally grown to be. It is in rare occasions that a person will change negative aspects about themselves; usually this ability to change comes from the influence of
someone positive in their life, and even more so, love. So if a boyfriend or girlfriend is fearful of what society may think of the ethnic background of their lover, it will no longer matter
to them because of their feelings for that person.
Now in the case of your boyfriend, it sounds like he is a person who operates on the level of fear. He is fearful of how certain people in certain circles in his life will perceive him
if they knew he was dating an African American woman. This says alot about the character of your man; and nothing good I'm sorry to say. You see, there is no secret that this
society has put such a negative spin on the persona of African American people, so instead of allowing his co-workers take you for the individual person he obviously has grown
to like and enjoy, he is just assuming they will always see you as the stereotypes associated with being African American in America. The same thing goes for his family. Now this
is not to say that he himself is prejudiced, but it does say that he doesn't really have much faith in you as a person; to show these people in his life that his feelings for you are
well deserved. And even if these folks would have nothing but negative things to say about you simply because your skin is black or brown, if he truly cares for you, he should not
be phased by this. I mean think about it, co-worker or not, if he would rather preserve a relationship with someone at work that he deems a "prejudiced" person rather than
preserving a relationship with you, that could possibly be something more, then I think you have alot of questions to ask yourself, regarding this relationship. Yeah, I know he
may not have had much dating experience but he has not been living a bubble all his life, he has been around differing people in other types of circumstances, so it is not like he
cannot function in society at all. Obviously, he is not so inept with the concept of dealing with people with differing backgrounds since he made the decision to date you.
But like I always say, sometimes it takes a person time to do the right thing. No one is perfect. Perfection is something we all strive for and none of us possess, so be
patient with him though it is prudent that you express to him how keeping you invisible in some areas of his life makes you feel. And if either of you care to see your relationship
grow any further, you will have to rectify this now; trust me, you may not be able to see it now, but such thing will only fester feelings of resentment over time and that
resentment will rear its ugly head, destroying your relationship.
I love to promote Asian And African American (and abroad) relationships. I think they are beautiful, but I am also a realist, and I believe in first doing my part to assist people
in making decisions that are in their best interest. So for that reason, I will say to you that not all people are good for each other or are meant to be with each other; even if
there are aspects of a relationship that seem to wonderful and gives you butterflies.
You're relationship has now simply hit a road bump. This does not mean that your relationship is not salvagable. Just be patient like I said, talk honestly and earnestly about your
feelings, and wait and see if he will do the right thing. In the end, you simply have to be honest with yourself about where you see this relationship going. Good luck sister.
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6/19/07
Q
Helen from California asked:
Hey mike. I've been dating my African boyfriend for over a year.
When my parents first found out, they brought me down alot.
They said the worst possible things ever! As time grew by, they
still are not okay with it and they are kind of in denial about it.
We both graduated and plan to move in together.
There are so many problems with my family-money, health, kids, and everything.
Yet, I am selfish enough because I want to move in.
You dont know the things they say to me ever since we went out.
I really want to move in and his parents dont care.
They love me. But my parents are strict as hell.
I want them to accept before I make this big decision.
But knowing my parents, they really won't. Help!
|
6/19/07
A
Mike answers:
Hi Helen. Even though I do not know the exact words your parents used in relation to your situation, I can definately imagine what they were being an
African American man who lives in one of the most bigoted nations around that both defames, disrespects and dehumanizes
African American people in general, and is also in a situation where my wife's Asian family does not all like the fact that we are together. So I do empithize and
understand. I am becoming increasingly convinced that people like yourself are a handful of individuals in this world who are blessed with the insight to
not be blinded by ethnic ignorance. Most people are like sheep, following and believing what the majority tells them is the way things ought to be.
Like I said before, this modern western society has villified the African person so badly that it is not even considered the "right" way to go
even to consort with someone of darker skin. Your parents, unfortunately, are amongst these many lost sheep.
I am sure you love your parents very much, and they love you, even though they may say the dumbest things imaginable at times. But just because we
love someone does not mean that they are living right and doing the right things by us. You said that you are selfish for wanting to move in with the boyfriend
you love, because of the social and monitary issues your family are facing. Not for one moment should you ever feel selfish for loving who you love. You have
the right to fall in love with someone. If anything, your parents are the ones who are acting selfish, not you. They are reacting to your decision to be
with this man, not because of what your best interests are, but for what they perceive is their best interest socially. "What would people think of us?" "How
would it look with a 'black' person in our family?" You know, ignorant thought processes like that. Just because you are dating someone, has nothing to do
with you being there for your family when they need you. They may tell you things like, "your turning your back on us", or "you're are leaving us to be with him".
Ignorant and selfish people only say such things to try and instill guilt in your mind so that you do what they want you to do.
You must not make the decision about moving in with your guy based on any selfish notions from someone on the outside of your relationship. However, you
should keep something in mind; and that is the reality of what it means to live with someone and how that can affect a relationship. Ethnicity aside, it is a
big deal to live with another person, and frankly, too many people like "play house" without making the proper commitment associated with such living arrangements.
I am not trying to preach anything about morality to you, but I see it far too often when people try to live like husband and wife before actually being husband and wife,
and it winds up putting a good relationship into the crapper. Living under the same roof with somebody is a big difference than spending the night with someone
every now and again. You have to deal with living issues as a unit rather than as inidividuals, and though you may think being with someone for at least a year
is a long time and you think you know that other person so well, trust me sweetheart, you have only cracked the surface of who that person is. And when living
with someone, you'll get to become privy to all the habits (good or bad) that person has that you haven't witnessed through casual dating. I say all of this to you
because I want your relationship to work out. If you can give big decisions like moving in together time, then by all means give it time. True love does not need to be rushed.
In fact, courtship with patience helps to increase the love, especially if it was true from the start. I'll say again though, DO NOT LET YOUR DECISION BE UNDUELY INFLUENCED
BY THE IGNORANT AND SELFISH WANTS OF OTHER PEOPLE; EVEN LOVED ONES! Doing such a thing will only give you regrets, and leave you with no happiness. Yeah, you may
have peace with your family but no happiness. You know the saying, "anything worth having is worth fighting for". So if your love for your man is true and strong, stay steadfast
with it.
This does not mean fighting with harsh and negative words. Everyone always believes that you need to fight fire with fire. WRONG. That way all you get is a bigger fire that burns
out of control. The best way to fight fire is with water. If your parents say something negative about your guy or you for being with him, you just constantly remind them of
what makes him a good man and a good man for you. They may eventually turn around from their point of view or they may never understand and accept it, but at least you
have done the right thing and not lowered yourself and become undignified.
You have to remember, things like racism is a sickness; a sickness of the mind due to ignorance and emotional imbalance. A racist person is a miserable person, and misery likes
company. But you do not want to be where a miserable person is, but what you can do is show them a better way and always keep the "door" to your abode of univseral happiness
open to them. It's also like from a spiritual standpoint; you can hate the sin but not the sinner. As soon as you begin hating the one who trangressed against you the sooner you
become as miserable a person as they are.
Of course it would be ideal for you to have your parent's acceptance of the man you chose to love. It is only natural that we would want all of the people we love in our lives to
know why it is we love them. That kind of situation fills us with joy. Your parents may be strict, but there attitude toward your relationship has nothing to do with being strict.
Telling you that you have to finish your homework before hanging out with your friends is strict, telling you that you have to be inside before 10pm or you will be grounded for two weeks
is strict, but telling you (a grown woman for that matter) that they disapprove of a man you like or love simply because of his skin tone or ethnic background is just plain bigoted.
I mean let's call a spade a spade.
Reality dictates that you may never have the approval of your parents, but that is life. You have to ask yourself that if your love with this man is true, am I willing to make
significant changes to my life to be with him. My own wife had to make similar decisions because she had bigoted friends or family. She decided to take the hight road and sided
with love. She will tell you now, that she is very happy with the decision she made and has no regrets. I hope you decide to take the high road as well. Good luck Helen.
|
5/28/07
Q
Ree from New York asked:
Hi Mike, how are you? My 16 year old daughter is dating a 16 year old boy who is 1/2 Chinese and 1/2 Russian.
His mother is ok with the relationship, but he is scared to tell his father. I am not familiar with the Asian culture but my daughter tells me he is very kind and caring to her.
Can you please enlighten me regarding Asian males and their relationships?
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5/30/07
A
Mike answers:
Hi Ree. Well, being that I am not an Asian man, I will not pretend to be an authority of what makes an "Asian male" tick. But since I am a "man" in general, I can tell you what
makes a man tick. I now there is no training manual for being a parent because there is no telling what each individual parent will be faced with, especially when dealing with
a teenager. For instance, after you gave birth, I'm sure the last thing you were thinking about was "what will I do if my daughter gets involved in an inter-ethnic relationship
when she becomes a teenager?" For that reason you may feel a little unsure as to how to take it all in. Well, it would seem to me that you are already handling it the way you
should. Though you have only given me a quick overview, it sounds like you are an understanding and loving mother who yourself has accepted you daughters choice (which
I commend). But like any parent, you are wondering if this person your child is involved with will break her heart or protect her heart. We all get caught up in these cultural
differences we all hear about each other that we sometimes forget that all of that in the end is irrelevant when it comes to relationships. Remember, bigotry is not a cultural
thing, it is an ignorance thing. So, if you are wondering if this boy's father may be bigoted since he is scared to tell his father, do not confuse that for anything to do with Asian
culture. Two different Chinese people may both be Buddhists, may both celebrate Dragon boat festival, but one may be a racist and the other a universally open-minded person.
BIGOTRY IS NOT CULTURAL. People can be bigoted for a great many stupid reasons. A group of people can be bigoted against their own for instance. I know some Chinese
people, men and women, who are prejudiced against other Chinese people simply because they come from different provinces in China than they do; in addition, I've known some
African American people who literally hate each other simply because one is light skinned and others are dark skinned. Culture does not play a part in it at all. Folks just like to use
that as an easy excuse to explain and excuse irrational behavior.
A man is a man or a boy is a boy. It all boils down to what kind of moral and social character any individual man has. You already have an idea of the kind of male your daughter's
boyfriend is since she said he is caring and kind, so as far as he is concerned there may not be as much to worry about; except the typical stuff you would have to be concerned about
with any teenage boy. For example, if this guy's kindness is just a way to get into your daughter's pants. So simply treat him like any other boy his age. Speaking of his age, don't forget
that he is only sixteen and this would explain a lot of his fear of telling papa about his "different" girlfriend. So, yes, he may not yet be strong enough to stand up against his father
to follow his heart. For possibilties like this, he may break it off with your daughter to please his father. I would simply explain to your daughter to be prepared for such a possibility
and to not let her heart get too caught up so young. She may not think that this boy would be so weak as to let her go simply to not piss off his father, but trust me, I have
seen it time and time again and with people who are adults; sometimes even in their thirties and forties.
I am not saying that things will happen this way in your daughter's situation for sure, but it would be prudent to be mindful of its very prevalent possibilty. Never-the-less, if you
and your daughter's boyfriend are comfortable enough with each other, I would sit him down and explain to him (or tell your daughter to explain to him) that it is better to let
the cat out of the bag now rather than later. Even though they are still kids, they are a hop, skip and a jump away from being adults and emotions are nothing to mess around
with. The longer people stay together the deeper they become emotionally invested in each other. So, God forbid, things do not work out later due to this guys father freakin' out
because they spring it on him like, "Hey dad guess what? here is my fiance!". Also, the reason why it is not right for him to keep his relationship a secret from anyone, let alone
his father, is because all that does is give ignorant people, who are ethnically bigoted, validation for their close-minded viewpoints. Tell this boy that if he really cares for your
daughter he would not act like there is something to be ashamed of by professing it. If his dad does have race problems than this boy needs to realize that this is his father's
issue and not his. I say it time and time again, "give people a chance to do the right thing". He is still a young boy so he still needs time to fully develop his "man twins" (if you
dig what I'm saying there). Give him some moral support and let him know that it is okay for him to approach his father with the news. At least he already has the support of
one of his parents (his mother) already, so it is not like he is flying solo; though what he will soon realize when he becomes a man is that sometimes it is necessary to fly solo
when it comes to doing the right thing; no matter how difficult his choices may be.
Men will be men and boys will be boys. It is more intelligible to ponder on it from that perspective first before even considering the fact that he happens to be Asian. That is the
way all people get into the conundrum of not knowing which way is up with other people. They begin to go down the road of looking at that person from a stereotype or a rumor
they may have heard (even if that wasn't what they initially meant to do), meanwhile, while we are so caught up with what they might think, say or do based on their ethnicity
we wind up not seeing who they truly are; we totally glance right over that one.
I do not know, of course, whether this boy's father may have race issues or not. I do know that the boy himself obviously sees it as a problem, and unless he outright told you
or your daughter that his father exclaimed racist indifferences about certain ethnicities, his fear may all be in his own head. This is because that in our "United" States society
African American people have been so negatively stereotyped to the point that it would be consider a taboo to even walk on the same side of the sidewalk with us, let alone
it being known that someone is in a relationship or friendship with one. So he may be apprehensive because he has been led to believe by the society he lives in that dating
an African American person is a risky venture rather than a glorious experience which it is.
So Ree, in the end, simply keep doing what I am sure that you are already doing, and that is being an attentive, understanding, patient and open minded parent. Please, just
just simply take the time to seriously ponder all that I have said above because it is definitely all relevant to what's going on in your daughters life right now. Good Luck my
friend.
Have an opinion about or want to discuss anything you have read here? Then join our forums and start a thread!
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5/21/07
Q
Secrets from Georgia asked:
Hi Mike, I'm a Korean-American woman who is currently 7 months pregnant with an African-American man.
I have managed to keep our 5 year relationship and my pregnancy a secret, but I'm really close to my parents
(I'm their only child and our extended family/friends all live out of state, so it has been just us) and I don't know
how much longer I can keep all this a secret (plus I'm starting to show). From past experiences, I already know
they are going to react badly so expecting congratulations or a heart-to-heart talk is not an option. Plus, my boyfriend
doesn't realize how my parents feel about African-Americans. He thinks that they know about us and my pregnancy.
I don't want to lose my parents or my boyfriend or my baby. Please help!
|
5/21/07
A
Mike answers:
Hi Secrets. You may find this analogy a little strange but I think it is a perfect way to describe an example of where your situation is categorized.
I do not know if you ever were a fan of the classic family show "The Cosby Show", but there is a character on the show named Vanessa who
while away at college had met a man she fell in love with and got they engaged. Bear in mind, her parents were never even made aware of this fellow's
existence until she came home to from school at the end of the semestre. She held off on telling them because of some innate sense of fear that she presumed
her parents would have a negative reaction to her man. When she sprung everything on them she could not understand why they were acting so
indifferent toward her fiance. She automatically assumed that her initial concerns were correct and got real upset about it. Now, her father took her aside
and explained to her why he and her mother reacted the way that they did. He grabbed a garbage can lid from outside, put some items of fresh fruit on top of the lid and
preceded to explained to her that the imature way she went about introducing her fiance to them was the same as presenting a meal to someone
on top of a garbage can lid; so she succeeding only in not giving her man a chance to be positively received.
Okay. Now I will explain how this story is directly connected with your situation in specific key ways. It never ceases to amaze me how we as
human beings tend to constantly make our situations worse by making bad decisions that are birthed by fears of what "may" happen. Your parents
very well may be prejudiced; to what extent, I don't know. But I can tell you that by keeping your relationship with him a secret from them, all you
will succeed in doing is perpetuating there incorrect assumptions of African-American men. You have not given the father of your baby the chance to
show your parents the content of his character based on factual context. Instead, he now has to climb up a mountain instead of a mowhill.
Even if they would have expressed disagreement with your choice, at least they would have the opportunity to be comforted that he is a person
of morality and cares, respects and honors their daughter; if that is the kind of man he is of course. Now when they do meet him, the only thing they
will be able to initally concentrate on is that "this is the black guy who knocked up my precious angel". Listen, you are not the only person who
comes from a family whose views are somewhat or extremely ignorant in nature. A good portion of my own in-laws possess this same moronic opinion
about African-American men based on learned stereotypes, but my wife never hid our relationship from them, so even though they may not like
my "blackness" they all respect the fact that I love, respect, and care for her unequivocally. Whether they like me or not is not going to stop my life or our love.
Of course the ideal would be that they all adored me, lol, but life is not an idealistic thing, and nothing or no one is perfect. Even though, you did not
make the right decision to keep everything a secret, I must say that your guy thinking that your parents know of him is a bit naive. Especially, since
you have obviously not made any overt effort to have them meet for as long as you have been an item; which has been at least five
years at this point. I mean how long does it take for someone to realize that something is amiss?
I can assume that your man is very important to you, so you should not corrupt those emotions with lies. Be honest with him and let him know the
truth. Then you both can talk together about how you should go about sharing the news to your parents about the great thing that you have
together. You see, there is a reason why lying is not good. Because it often mushrooms into greater negative issues. Not only have you
tarnished the image of your guy by not giving him a chance to show your parents who he really is, you possibly made it even harder for them to accept
the beautiful child that is growing in your belly. And you really do not want that.
I am pointing out the error of your decision not to make you feel bad about yourself, but to make you aware of how it was a bad decision if you were
not already aware of it. We are all human and we make mistakes. No one can fault you for that. The only thing you can be held at fault for is not
rectifying your mistake. Fix it now. Sometimes you have to give people a chance to do the right thing. Give your parents an opportunity to be
tolerant and to learn why they were wrong about African-Americans. Instead of dwelling on all the negative possibilities, take a moment to give the positive possibility a shot. People like you and your man
have made a positive step toward the future by not allowing the ignorance of society dictate you two getting together in the first place, but true
change in society does not start amongst strangers, it begins at home. If we allow our loved ones to go on through life operating on misinformation
they will go out into the world and spread that ignorance amongst the "strangers"; hence perpetuatnig the problem of racism and intolerance. and
expanding the same fears that currently reside in you now. Break the cycle my dear. I say it time and time again to advice seekers such as yourself,
that nobody likes to be someone's dirty little secret. If you truly care for your baby's father, then you will not treat him this way. The funny thing about ignorance
is that those who are ignorant tend to gravitate to circumstances that they feel justify their position. It is easier for them that way, so they do not
have to deal with something that may force them to chance; even if that change may be for the better. If your parents are truly bigoted, then
by treating your guy as the "dirty little secret", you make your relationship with him appear to them as something even you are ashamed of.
You said that you are concerned about losing your parents, your boyfriend or your baby. Well, it does concern me that you would even have put
your baby in that thought. What do you mean by losing your baby anyway? You cannot "lose" a baby from some personal decison to tell
people about it. You can only lose your baby if something medically goes wrong, God forbid, or if you are financially unable to take care of it and you
consciously make the decision to give it up for adoption, which I hope you are not considering. No child should be robbed of either of its parents
due to some immature notion that your parents are going to be upset over its existence. You are an adult and you have to live with the
results of your actions. Living with those results can either be positive or negative based on how you choose to handle them. Do not allow
something as beautiful as pregnancy, child birth and motherhood become a negative thing because of the un-educated viewpoints of a few people;
even if they may be our family or friends. Even something as wonderful as sharing a love filled life with someone should not fall prey to the
fear of disappointing someone suffering from ignorance.
The power of love is ultimately stronger than the influence of fear. Be strong, be vigilant and be love. Good luck.
|
4/12/07
Q
Emotional 1 from Florida asked:
Hi Mike! I am a 27 year old African American female who is currently talking to a 33 year old Korean man.
We have been talking for a few months now. Anyway, everything was going great in the beginning.
We spoke almost everyday. Recently, he invited me to visit him in Canada (where he currently lives).
So, I bought a round trip ticket to visit him this April. We were both very excited and looking forward to seeing each other for the first time.
All of a sudden, he says he doesn't want to see me because of a misunderstanding regarding expenses for the trip.
Ok, it all started when I asked him about where I would be staying while I was in Canada.
After we got that situated, I then asked was he going to be paying for food and transportation while I was visiting. He got very upset about my question.
I just wanted to know how much money I would need to bring on the trip because I have never been out of the country before.
Well after my question he decided he wants to postpone the trip. Help!
|
4/13/07
A
Mike answers:
Well Emotional 1, there really isn't much information for me to go on here, but I will try and give you some answers based on what you have relinquished. First of all, since you stated you two have not yet
physically met, I would have to assume that you somehow became acquainted with each other through a dating web site or some other form of internet communication. However you two guys found each other,
usually the dynamics of a somewhat anonymous relationship differs tremendously from one that is face to face; up close and personal. I am not sure how close you two have become, through your communications
via email and/or phone, but when you both decided to meet each other it brought your relationship to a next level of reality that comes with a whole new set of possible circumstances and emotional interaction
most people sometimes aren't ready for. This is not to say that your decision to take your relationship to the next level was wrong, but more so possibly a matter of being prepared on how to handle the unexpected.
Needless to say you were unprepared for your friend's unexpected reaction to your questions. Well, off hand I would say that there are three plausible explanations as to why he reacted the way he did; none of which
are good. Since I do not know him personally and haven't any real clue as to the kind of man he, I will have to make my assessment based on common male behavior and common human behavior when it comes to
inter-cultural relationships. To start off with, many men in general are riddled with male pride; perhaps he took offense to you even asking about who would be paying for food and transportation because he feels that
you should have known that he would not even consider having you pay for anything as you would be his guest of sorts, let alone being his woman. Or maybe he just got the wrong idea from your question and
thought that you were imposing upon him and expecting him to spend, spend, spend money on you. Another possibility is that perhaps he was simply getting cold feet. My guess is that the first possibility is the
reason why things got miscontrued. You probably just hurt his male pride. Sometimes, without patronizing him, you have to periodically stroke a man's male ego a bit; let him feel like he is a man. This may sound
silly to some, but the reality is that males and females can be quite silly and confusing to one another at times. I am not saying that you should go too far beyond the call of a girlfriend just to sate his ego, but
being aware of such realities goes a long way in knowing how to approach and talk to the opposite sex at times.
It could also be a combination of his pride being hurt and cold feet. Frankly, it could be a number of things. I simply have no real way of knowing for sure, but I can tell you that situations of this nature
can be clear signs of where a relationship can be headed anyway. If the both of you considered your relationship to be a serious one, then there is no reason why something this small should be a major problem.
I would venture to say that this would not be a long lasting problem for you guys. It is simply a matter of committing to some adult conversation to rectify it. But, if it is more than just pride and cold feet as far
as he is concerned and actually an issue of him being afraid of introducing his world with you to his existing world where African American people may not exist, then he would fall under the umbrella of the coward
who stops his own heart for fear of disturbing the minds of those intolerant folks who may surround his life. Who knows? Good luck.
|
3/30/07
Q
A-Man from New York asked:
My sob story. I was in a 3 year relationship with an Asian woman.
Very passionate but very rocky. At first we were both dating other people.
But we couldn't resist each other, but we both were hesitant to leave our respective partners.
This caused a rift. She didnt trust me, I was insecure about her ex, a very wealthy white guy,
who constantly begged her to come back, assuring her of a "better quality of life" with him, opposed
to a "difficult" life with me. He used his strong relationship with her family to get them to encourage
her leave me. She even proposed to me, but things didn't work out. Even to this day she still says she
wishes she had the courage to be with the love of her life (me). As opposed to a more comfortable, practical life (him).
I live in New York, its full of Asian women, but most of them date white or Asian men, that's common here. I think they
have negative stigmas about dating black men. I fear the social acceptance of dating whites will win out.
|
3/31/07
A
Mike answers:
Hey A-Man. I can tell that you are hurting over this circumstance in your life, especially since you ended your statement
with a kind of defeatest notion that "social acceptance of dating whites will win out". I would venture to disagree with you
on that notion and I will make that more clear as we go along here. We often see and are affected by any given current social
situation. We are often affected by it in very negative ways because we fail to understand WHY the social standing is the way
that it is. Understand the "why" would help anyone better understand and deal with a particular issue with greater reasoning,
patience, and emotional stability.
Now I will approach your question from two basic standpoints; first would be to state the obvious behind your relationship collapse
due by your own mistakes and second I will delve into the whole social structure and how it plays a huge part in why it affects relationships such
as yours. Perhaps by the end of my answer to you, you will have a greater understanding of why what happened between you and this woman happened,
and furthermore, maybe you will understand that there is no reason to believe that "social acceptance of dating whites will win out".
Okay, well I think you know this, but the both of you screwed up by doing this whole "dating other people" thing. If you consider any relationship
with a person to be of a serious nature and both parties become emotionally vested in each other, my brother you both would have to be out of
your minds to think that either of you would have any trust with each other when they cannot be sure that you are not spreading the love, so to speak.
People are a bit possessive by nature, especially when emotions get involved. Intimate love is something that is not shared outside of a duo union, unless
you are both freaks and then it ceases to be love anymore anyhow; that is nothing but pure animal sex, ya dig. Now listen, even myself, when I first met
my now wife in college where I was cruising the dating scene and talking to a few people (not sexually though, I mean I'm not a gigalo, lol), and I was
very candid with Jenny (now wife) about that fact. But as soon as we became serious (which was very quickly), I instantly cut off any other women I may have been interested in. Trust
is a big part of relationships and without it no partnership can persist. Of course now a big part of any person's ability to trust someone is greatly affected
by their perceptions which leads me into the second portion of my answer to you.
Social dynamics in this great country of ours has been greatly dictated by often distorted perceptions we harbor toward one another. The majority
of this distortion is due to derogatory stereotypes put out there about people by the racist white (then) majority and ALSO self glorification and veneration
propoganda by that same so called majority. It is no accident why most people of color have this misguided viewpoint that white is the better, securer and
a quality way to go. Many persons of color get with Caucasians because their minds have been trained to believe that it is part of fulfilling that proverbial American dream or "white is right", just
as they were subconsciously attacked to believe that people of darker skin are a dissemination of that dream or that "black is wrong". All groups of people of color
have been affected by such "perception manipulation", as I sometimes call it, no one is exempt from such ignorance; Asians, African, Latins, etc. Fortunately,
not all people of color have been bamboozled by the propoganda machine and look into a persons heart and mind to find what kind of person they are dealing with; not
whom someone else is telling them they are dealing with. It is always a problem when we allow someone else to define a person to us, and more so when we allow someone
to define who we are. I know there will be alot of readers out there who will have issue with some of what I said. Well, that goes with the territory of speaking
the reality. I am not one to sugarcoat the truth and pussy-foot around with it. And if you are one of these people of color that I just mentioned, well, you know
who you are. I will clarify that I am not speaking for every person of color out there who is involved with a Caucasian individual. I did not mean to say that all such relationships
are a sham of misguided social understanding. I am simply speaking of those out there that are and am explaining why they are fraudulant.
Listen A-Man, you must understand that for the past 1 to 2 hundred years the racist western machine has been pumping out some serious negative imagery about
African peoples of this globe, this is why you often find such uncalled for apprehension by many others to date let alone simply commune with us. But, the nature of
social communication is rapidly changing in the world and in this country, and it is becoming increasingly hard for hatemongers and bigots to spread lies about specific groups of
people to other groups of people (not that they're not still trying though, Lord have mercy), and this is why you are actually seeing a sharp increase in so many
inter-ethnic relationships out there. People have greater opportunities to see each other's true colors outside of negative stereotypes put out there by divisive others.
Now understanding the dynamics is one thing, what a person will do equipped with that understanding is a whole other thing completely. What people do armed with knowledge
truly indicates the nature of a person's character. For instance, those who operate on fear will make the wrong decisions concerning their life because they are fearful of
going against the grain of what may be the "accepted" or common "perception"; even if they know that perception may be flawed. I once knew a brother who operated on
the notion that if everyone is saying or doing something then it must be right. Well needless to say that is a moronic viewpoint. Just ask all of those people who followed the cult mandates
of Jim Jones, or Applegate; oh wait, you can't ask them they all commited suicide at the behest of the cult census; following the majority.
A perfect example is your ex-girlfriend. You said she even regrets the fact that she left her true love (you), because she is a coward. So it is not that she believes that
a white skinned man is better per se, it is because she does not have the character or the courage to follow her heart and go against the grain. People like her are worse than
ones who are desiring and creating the division between our peoples, because they give them the fuel they need to perpetuate that ignorance. They rely on our fear
of ostricization by our peers and society as a whole, in order to keep control of the way public opinion and social dynamics are functioning.
If your ex believes that she will definately find security with this other guy simply because he has money than she is just naive. True security in a relationship is security
in the TRUTH of the love that is behind it. Money does not guarantee fidelity, money does not guarantee spousal respect, money does not guarantee intimacy and it surely
does not guarantee safety from a spouse themself. I saw several reports on court TV over the years about women of color (Asian, African or Latin American) who married wealthy
Caucasian men only to find themselves victims of a murderous husband because he loved his money or social standing more than he loved his wife.
My man, you are most likely better off without this girl anyway, obviously her own selfishness outweighed her feeling for you anyhow. If she truly cared for you as she
claimed, then she would not have allowed herself to be pressured by anyone to leave you. Being that there is such an ignorant societal viewpoint regarding dark skinned
people in this country, for anyone to procclaim unwaivering allegiance and open dedication to such folks is a clear sign, in and of itself, of the validity of that person's
friendship and/or love. Any person who has the balls to risk public scrutiny for what they know is right or be outspoken against what they know is wrong is a cool person
from my point of view; especially when it comes to matters of love. Heck, truthfully, when it comes to someone who is too chicken to stay steadfast with whom they truly
love is only hurting themselves anyway. Once a person begins to allow anyone to control what is in their heart, they give them the power to control everything in their life. Even
how they see themselves.
Bro', I am from New York as well, so I know exactly what you know regarding the social dynamic there and I think that you are wrong about how it will go in the end where Asian
women will be dating only Caucasian guys. Afro-Asian couples are on a strong and fast rise. Hollywood is even noticing this sharp trend; that is why you see more and more
Afro-Asian couple representation in the media. You can see it in TV, Movies, Magazines, the internet, and in all genres. Not to say that Hollywood is an authority on or is responsible for
this growing population of Afro-Asian couples, but the fact that it is vastly recognized. And trust me, the media especially TV, does not ackowledge any demographic it does not feel
will draw in the cash, ya' feel me?
I know you are speaking from a broken heart, that's why you may be alittle jaded and pessimistic about Afro-Asian relationships in general now, but do not allow a negative experience
with one person bias you. Do not give the divisive people out there anymore fuel to fan their fire of hate and division. Know that where there is one cowardly, misguided individual there is also
a strong, sensable and kind individual. The world isn't all made up of jerks; there are alot of them, yes, but they don't own it all.
I have said alot here, but I think it is all necessary considering the nature of your submission. Take time to drink it all in and truly try and get what I am conveying to you. Good luck
and don't fall victim to a manipulated perception. Take care.
Have an opinion about or want to discuss anything you have read here? Then join our forums and start a thread!
|
3/04/07
Q
Rjungerz from California asked:
I am a Chinese American female and my boyfriend is an African American male.
We have been in a relationship for about 3 and a half years and I know that he will be my husband one day!!
The only problem is that my grandparents are extremely close minded and racist.
Everyone in my family has met my boyfriend except for my grandparents and they don't even know that I have a boyfriend at all.
The other thing is that recently my uncle came out of the closet to them (that he's gay) and they freaked out.
My grandmother still won't talk to him and it's been about a year. They wished that he would have never told them and just did his
own thing on his time away from them. They wished that he would have just let them die without ever telling them.
I'm afraid that they will feel the same way about me or not talk to me also. In the asian culture you are taught to always respect
your elders and what they say goes. I want to tell them, but I also want to be respectful. What should I do?
|
3/05/07
A
Mike answers:
Hi Rjungerz. Unfortunately, we will never be able to satisfy everybody in our lives. Even if it didn't have anything to do with a racist viewpoint, the nature
of most people is to be selfish. For that reason we develop a set of standards that we go by in our lives that are more self serving than not; and yes it is worse when those so-called standards
are formulated by a racist or biased viewpoint. Well, the Asian culture is not the only one in which the unmost respect and reverence to their elders is
a common practice, so I do understand that aspect. This has nothing to do with whether or not a group of elder's wishes are respected and followed, or whether
or not these elders' positions are even of sound and sane doctrine to be followed anyhow.
There is an old African saying when a child is born, "Behold, the only thing greater than yourself!". This does not mean a child is the ruling party of the household;
that is still the parents' right. What it does mean is that this "child" is the progressive potential extension of the parent. Generations before often tend to forget
this and often expect their children and/or grandchildren to be as closed minded as they are. Of course they do not view themselves as being closed minded, but
then again, those who are closed minded are so narrow-minded that they wouldn't be able to recognize their own ignorance. The worse thing anyone can do is
to allow themselves to regress rather than progress due to some misguided loyalty to outdated viewpoints of elder family members. I am not saying that our
elders' wisdoms should not all together be heeded; I am saying, however, that their wisdoms should only act as an infrastructure; like the trunk of a tree upon which
we are the limbs. It is the limbs that bear the fruit and its seeds not the trunk. You are an example of a limb that has borne a precious fruit of universal love, peace and acceptance, rather
than a rotten fruit with a worm inside of it. That worm representing hatred, bigotry and fear.
You have to be strong for your grandparents, as bigotry is a weakness of character. Just as fruit can be picked by everyone who passes the tree, so does fruit drop back down to the soil
to fertilize the tree and keep it strong and living long to continue feeding nutrients to the limbs, so more fruit of positive change can be borne. If you were to give in to the
racist views of your elders simply because you think it would be respectful to do so, it is the same as if you were dropping posionous fruit down into the earth and posioning the tree
in turn posioning yourself. Perpetuating the illness rather than curing it. Descendents have the potential to be greater than those who came before them, because they can sow the earth with a future void of narrow-mindedness
and ignorance.
Now you say you want to tell them, "but" also want to be respectful. Well, the greatest respect you can show anyone is to be truthful. We are not drones you know, if
we were not meant to have our own viewpoints or needs and desires, then we would be nothing more than a single cell organism with no purpose in life other than to feed
on pond scum like the cell from which we have split from whose purpose is exactly the same. Truth is the only thing anyone ever truly owes to anyone else. Respect is not a right, it is
something that is earned, even by the elders. In fact, after it is earned it has to be maintained just like we have to maintain the health and integrity of our own bodies. There is no shame or disrespect in outgrowing
the mental capacity of our elders. That in and of itself is an accomplishment to be admired and respected. Though it may never be visible to us, our sometimes close-minded ancestors are very proud that we
are able to conquer the fears and social inabilities that they have failed to overcome. You simply have to have faith in that fact.
No one said anything in life would be easy. Of course their is always fallout when it comes to openly discussing an issue that differs from what someone else strongly disagrees with,
but you know what? if everyone just sat down and kept going along with backwards viewpoints, we as people of color in this country for one, would not have the civl rights we hold so dear.
You say that you know your African American boyfriend "will" be your husband one day, that kind of proclamation of love is not the kind to be sitting in the proverbial
closet. No one, and I mean NO one, should treat someone they care for so deeply as a dirty little secret; fear be damned! Frankly, if you're grandparents cannot see past their own
ignorance, then that is a demon they will have to deal with themselves.
I do not want to give the impression that I think your grandparents are bad people because of their views. Though you do have some truly wicked and evil people out there that
use racism as a tool of destruction, most people are simply misguided. It is sad yes, but sometimes it is all that simple. This is where you have to show your own wisdom, where the
student, so-to-speak, becomes the teacher and hopefully open your grandparents misguided eyes to the truth; not only the truth about your man but the truth of your love for him and about African American
people in general, for that matter. Most people look at the world around them in a bubble. You should be proud of the fact that you have personally broke that "bubble" and seen a person(s) for who
they truly are and not what some racist stigma has deemed them to be. Most folks identify themselves with an outwardly appearence or cultural standard unfortunately, and they
may view someone who is not of their native background as a dissemination of that identity. Many older generations of people of color suffer from this sort of small mindedness, and sometimes
confuse it (as do those around them) with true racism. Remember, racism is nothing more than a tool used by true evil people. The real culprit is FEAR. Once fear is irradicated, most
issues associated with that fear are often diminished if not totally irradicadated themselves.
Let the love of your life know that your love is stronger than anything else, including fear of the unknown or hatred of what's not understood. I say this to so many people who may
not really get what marriage is all about, but primarily marriage means to "forsake all others", this means everyone else including grandparents. When you marry someone you become one.
Those who do not understand this, often suffer marrital problems because they allow everyone and their momma to put their two cents into what is going on their married life. This
is why it is even more important for a man and a woman to know exactly who it is they are marrying. Make sure that both of you are getting married for all the right reasons and that
the love is true and unwaivering.
I've seen too many men and women sabotage their own relationships because they are so afraid of the change it is making in their lives. For instance, how it may stir things up in
a family that may not totally agree with their mate decision. For example, they will begin looking for things that are wrong with their mate to find a reason to not face their fears
of upsetting those that have been in their life since forever (parents, grandparents, friends, etc).
I'll admit, I find it quite incredible that you told everyone else in your family but somehow your grandparents are still uninformed of this information. I mean, either by direct admission
or even a slip of the tongue, somebody in a large group of people who are aware of a "secret" would somehow spill the beans. Either your grandparents already know and they
have decided to pretend that it is not real or the whole of your family is absolutely petrified by your grandparents and what they would say if they knew. At any rate, I find it astonishing.
Rjungerz, I hope you take everything I said deep into your mind, and think hard about it. Take every individual point for what it is and then stand back and see the message as a whole.
You must be that ripe, nourishing fruit that feeds the world and replenishes the earth so that trees do not stop being able to close the cycle of forward progression of life by feeding its limbs and producing precious new fruit.
Otherwise, our grandparents will become nothing but dead dried up trees that most children would be afraid to even to walk by, like scary images in a horror story. Trust the power of your love!
|
2/20/07
Q
Rawfusion from Alabama asked:
Hi Mike, how are you? I do have an issue I'd like to discuss. I have an Asian girlfriend; she stays in the Philippines and I'm in Alabama.
Of course I'm young; I'm 20 years old and my girlfriend is 22. My mom understands that I date her, but we have a long distance relationship.
However, she can't understand why I am dating somebody way over there rather than females here.
She really prefers I date black women but from my past I never dated one because I feel like I was done wrong by some of them.
So when I ended up meeting my girlfriend online, I was happy to be with her and she is the first girlfriend I ever had.
I have a hard time trying making my mom and family understand that I really like this girl and will not have any other relationships other than with my girlfriend.
My mother and family say I am committing myself too fast, but I think I'm ok.
Is there anyway I can make them get rid of this stereotype of me getting scammed and all this other stuff and how very diffrent she is to me?
|
2/21/07
A
Mike answers:
Hello Rawfusion. Well, I won't say too much about your mom's desire for you to date a "black" woman. Though that is a viable part to your issue it isn't the most
pressing, in my opinion. And frankly, I obviously am not the one whom would agree with such a close minded sentiment anyway. But, it sounds like this "online
girlfriend" you are dating is totally a virtual relationship. If there is any apprehension anyone in your life (family) would be right in having, it would be about that
aspect. I mean, I am not venturing to say that your girl of the Philppines is not representing herself to you as she truly is, but I am saying that you should practice
great caution when dealing with anyone you meet online, especially if that person is someone you have not gotten the chance to meet personally. I have had
a friend or two suffer some great disappointment and problems regarding such types of relationships, so tread lightly my brother. You also said that this is your
first girlfriend. My friend, you couldn't have made yourself sound more wet behind the ears. To outright state that your "first girlfriend" you ever had is someone you
met and interact with online is only a tell-tale sign of how inexperienced you are when it comes to dating. I do not say that to insult you or to belittle you in anyway,
believe me when I say that; I just shoot from the hip when it comes to giving advice and call it as I see it. I am also not saying anything regarding the seriousness of
your feelings with this girl in terms of doubt because of your young age. I wouldn't do that. I mean if love is true and meant to be it can happen when you are young like
twenty. I met my wife when I was eighteen, for crying out loud, so I know first hand that it can happen; but then again, she was not my first girlfriend and I have been
dating since I was thirteen so I had a pretty good head start when it came to dealing with the opposite sex. You on the other hand admittedly just threw your hat into
the dating arena, so I can perfectly understand at least one part of where your mom is coming from in terms of not putting your eggs in one basket so soon with a girl
who is literally thousands of miles away.
Now if you have actually met this girl face to face and have developed a relationship before she moved to her homeland of the Philippines, then you are dealing with a
classic "long distance relationship" in this case it is nothing more than a true test of the validity of you and her's relationship. You didn't indicate how much time you've actually
dealt with the person, so I will assume it hasn't been very long (due to your age). For that I would say to you to PROCEDE WITH EXTREME CAUTION when dealing with
anyone from a foreign country that you meet online. There are many many scam artists out there just waiting to take advantage of love sick individuals searching the net for intimacy.
I know that is the last thing you wanted to hear from me, since I know you have heard this from just about everyone in your life who cares for you, but frankly they are
perfectly right in their apprehensive assessment of your chosen situation. If I were you, I would treat your relationship with this person almost like a pen-pal type relationship,
do not invest any deep emotion or money. If there is something true between you two, then it will show itself over a period of time. This way, if something does go wrong,
the damage would be minimal if nonexistant for you. In addition, the problem with conducting a long distance relationship is that eventually, when the relationship does get
deeper and emotions become more vested, one of the parties involved will have to make the decision to change their entirely lives to be with the other. That is a great price
for either of you to ask the other to pay, and quite frankly, is a very mature and complex issue to make a decision upon. Sometimes, we get so caught up in the initial surface layer
of love; the laughter, the attraction, the fluttering butterflies in the stomach, that we often make grave errors in judgement regarding where we stand in that relationship. We wind
up making moves that end up hurting the relationship before it even has the chance to explore its potential. For instance, without seeing the bigger picture, or looking down the line,
we may either pay a big price or ask the other person to pay a big price, like uprooting oneself from their life to be with the other, only to plant seeds of regret and resentment that
will end up breaking up the relationship; but by then, usually you wil have gotten yourself trapped with that person somehow, either in debt, in lease or even with child. I have seen this
type of thing happen to too many a friend and aquantence for me to not mention it to you. So don't look at it as a lecture, but rather as a few words to the wise.
I am sorry to say that there really isn't any "way" for you to get your mom and rest of your family to see things your way in this particular case. It is human nature to only see
all the possible negatives in a situation, especially when they are looking from the outside. I have even told you of all of the possible risks you run, but I also believe that true love
is worth the risk. If you are one hundred percent confident about the validity of your connection with this girl and in her feelings for you, then follow your heart, just do not
let your heart blind you to common sense and reason. If so, then you would only have youself to blame for you heart being torn assunder; you feel me?
|
2/11/07
Q
Lee from Mississippi asked:
I have been through 3 marriages to Black Women--3 divorces.
It's been a tough road, but now I said to myself--I am going to find a nice Asian woman to be with.
I am going to be 50 in June. Why do people resent me for this?
Oh yes--I told my Mom this--she said--"it's your life", knowing my Mom well--it was said in a very destinct manner--(not nice)
|
2/13/07
A
Mike answers:
Hi Lee. Well I am sorry to hear that your first three marriages did not work out for you. I must say though that if you are making the decision to
get with an Asian woman at this point in your life based on some perceived frustration with African American women then I think you are making a grave
mistake. Not that getting with an Asian woman is a mistake, but for the reasoning that would be behind it. Since you have been around the block, so to speak,
with your own ethnic group and it did not work, do not assume it has anything to do with the fact that they were African American women; furthermore, do not
think simply because a woman is Asian that things would miraculously be better for you. Other than some obvious uniqueness in outward appearences, women are
women; as people are people. So before you begin searching for "fish" in another pond, maybe you should consider evaluating yourself first. Perhaps the problems
with your past relationships were not because of those women's ethnic backgrounds but because of your own shortcomings when it comes to dealing with the opposite
sex. I do not say that to be insulting, not at all, but it is just a common fact that some people do not even have a clue that they do not understand the opposite sex;
this goes for men and women alike. I simply do not want you to jump into an inter-cultural relationship with some naive expectation that things will be different. Trust
me, Asian women are no different than African American, Latin American, or Native American women for that matter, in that they have the same wants and desires,
The same potential for good character and bad character.
Now I will say that I am one of the lucky guys who found a great woman in my wife, but that doesn't mean that I couldn't have ended up with an Asian woman who
was shallow, greedy, conniving or just downright out of her mind. Not that I encourage this but if all you are looking for at this point is a booty call, than you can find
just about any woman of any ethnic background to oblige you, but if you are looking for something serious and true, I think you should think more clearly about how
you approach your decision making when dating (anybody). If indeed you have no real faults and your exes happened to be all bad apples, then perhaps it is just your
judgement that is impaired. And if that is the case, what makes you think you would make the right decision with any other woman? Think about it.
You might think my comments are quite strange, coming from a man who advocates the union between African and Asian people; but as much as that is important to
me, the process in how that union takes place is even more important because if any union is made on shaky ground it is doomed for failure. Furthermore, I do not want
you to be one of the many people who jump into inter-cultural relationships with ignorant expectations and have it fail, only to later say it did not work because of the
fact that it was an inter-cultural relationship. I said this before to other advice seekers, that I believe in most cases, people use race more like a scape-goat than what
they actually believe regarding race, especially when it comes to relationships. It is a lot easier to say that a relationship did not work out because "so-and-so was Asian
and I am African American" or "so-and-so is Latin and I am Polynesian" rather than admit to oneself that perhaps the relationship did not workout because of some more
individual fault or shortcoming of their own.
The way you made the statement, "...It's been a tough road, but now I said to myself--I am going to find a nice Asian woman to be with..." screams out that you
are under the impression that an Asian woman is going to magically solve all your intimacy woes. Quite frankly Lee, at your age you should know better than that. I always
say that "Age is not necessarily synonymous with wisdom; people mostly do not get wiser they just learn how to better play the game", and your painfully obvious reasoning
kind of makes my point for valid.
By all means, if you are open enough to the idea of dating outside of your ethnic group than do so. It is always better to broaden ones horizons, I mean, just as I state that
one should not look outside of their ethnic group for the wrong reasons, so should they not minimalize their dating pool by being so ignorant as to only date their own ethnicity.
Sometimes your soul mate very well may reside from some other corner of the globe. We would only be fools to think otherwise, but just simply remember what I have said to
you previously. Look deep within yourself first, than look even deeper within whomever you wind up getting involved with in the future. I do not wish for you to have another failed
relationship.
As far as your mom is concerned, I do not know her enough, obviously, to make a clearly sound assessment as to what her thoughts were when she made her "not nice" toned comments
to you. I guess her disdain could be for any number of reasons. I can guess that her words were short and aloof because, let's face it, you are practically a fifty year old man,
and even though she is your mother, she knows she has to respect whatever decision you make concerning your life, and that probably knows that whatever she has to say
on the matter wouldn't change your mind edge-wise.
Only if her thoughts have anything to do with disapproving with you because of bigoted ideas, would I disagree with her. Just for the hell of it, I think you should read this message to
your mother; to see what she thinks of what I have said to you. I am curious. If you do, please let me know what she had to say.
Well Lee, good luck my brother. Whatever you decide to do relationship wise, please just make a conscious and wise decision. Take care.
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1/08/07
Q
Racialicious from California asked:
I am African American, Cherokee, Blackfoot, Portuguese, Spanish, Japanese, and Irish; my boyfriend is Chinese-Japanese American and wants his family to be happy.
However, his mother (Chinese) is bent on pulling us apart: "she's a distraction"; "Don't get tied down"; "We want to keep it [Asian-ness] in the family".
Evidentally she does not want to taint his family reputation by allowing him to show a Black girlfriend; he's been forbidden to tell the rest of the family about me as
anything more than a close friend. His mother smiles to my face but will not speak with me nor reason with him about us; she states her anger and gets angrier when
he refuses to break-up, concluding that it's his "problem" if we want to stay together and leaving a relationship stipulation by which we must abide to please her.
Numerous appeasing compromises later, she is still drilling him to break up with me... Help? How can he please her without breaking up with me?
|
1/09/07
A
Mike answers:
Hello Racialicious. Well your background itself seems to be a smorgasbord of ethnicity (lol) so you obviously should not have a problem with tolerance yourself. Unfortunately,
we live in a world where tolerance seems to be less and less the norm. It is outrageous and downright frustrating, but sadly so. I mean, my own mother-in-law who is Chinese,
and was never too crazy about the idea of my wife and I as an item let alone being married since I am not Chinese; and since the western world has done such a good job in
vilifying the black skinned man and woman, that didn't help either in her ignorant opinion of me. Over the years we have grown to have a cordial and "tolerable" relationship
as son and mother-in-law, but I know her opinion has not really changed (from different little instances where she rears her socially arrested viewpoint). To go even further
about how silly today's social intolerance has become. Do you know that along with my mother-in-law there are many Chinese people who were actually upset with the
Actress Zhang Ziyi (who is Chinese) for portraying a Japanese geisha woman in the movie, Memoirs of a Geisha? When my wife told me this I just was astounded about the ignorance.
I mean just when you think the ignorance of folks can't get any worse, they take you just another step further down the storm drain. I tell you these couple of examples simply
to remind you that you are not alone in your plight.
I am glad to see that your man is refusing to break it off with you, regardless of what his mother wants, for her to say to him that "it's his problem" only shows further her disregard
for his happiness. She indeed would be the catalyst in making you into a problem for him. But here lays the conviction of a persons care and love for someone though. If your man truly
cares for you than it shouldn't matter, one iota, whether his mother approves of you. I mean, he is an adult isn't he? Parents often try to camouflage their own selfishness under
the guise of parental care for their children. People like his mother are more worried about if her social standing in her particlar circle holds up as opposed to giving a damn about her
child's happiness. This selfishness is even more apparent when it arises in situations like this, when he is already a grown man and should be making his own decisions regarding his life.
I know you stated what his mother's wishes were, but I hope to the Creator that he is not so weak a person as to insult you by appeasing his mother by introducing you around as
his mere close friend when you are surely more than that? I cannot gauge how serious you two are based on the short synopsis you have given me, but for any serious couple, they
know that life has all kinds of "distractions" whether they be social, familial, financial, spiritual, etc. etc.; these are nothing more then testiments to a couple's truth of love to overcome
these so called distractions.
I know some of my previous comments may not have been so pleasent towards your boyfriend, and it is not meant to discourage you from being with him. It is simply a straight forward
approach in letting you understand that true love does not compromise with the ignorance of outsiders. Like I said, I do not know how serious you two are, and even though you are
not married, let's face it, your relationship must mean alot to you to feel the need to come to me for relationshio advice. If indeed, marriage is a road the two of you have considered
traveling down, then you should know that the implementation of certain aspects of a married couple begin long before vows are taken. I do not know if you are familiar with one the
vows, but it states "...foresaking all others". This includes everyone. It doesn't state forsaking all others, for the exception of momma, my best friend, or anyone else. Compromising
is something that exists between a couple unit. When any one part of a couple unit begins to compromise with anyone else outside of the relationship regarding the relationship, then
that spells disaster for that relationship.
What you are going through is not unique Racialicious, but you , nor him, should ever look at it as a factor of pleasing his mother without breaking up with you. Consider circumstances
in relationships and how people handle them earlier on as a sign as to where the relation may be headed later on down the line. Even though your guy may be refusing to give you up
regardless of his mother's desires, if he is still entertaining any of her outrageous demands that still isn't any better than if he did break it off with you. I don't know him, but he like many
other people who are caught under the thumb of a controlling parent will do things in rebellion to that authority figure, rather than doing things to follow what is truly in their heart. So
it is up to you to deduce whether your man's love for you is true or whether you are just a pawn in a parent/child tug of war of control over the child's life. Love that is not true is merely
fleeting my dear. Remember that. But it is also forgiving. So if your man may not have done everything he should be doing as your man, and that is treating you with the respect you deserve
as a woman, than if he is true and is willing to make things right then by all means show patience and see where the truth takes you two. As far as his mother is concerned, the two of you
can do the adult thing and live your lives without disrespecting her as a fellow human being. Even though she is ignorant and disrespectful to you does not mean you have to fall to her
level and be disrespectful to her. Why support her ignorance with any fuel anyway, huh? Let your love be an example to her and the world. If you are a spiritual person the best you can
do for people like her is to pray for them. Pray that truth and love can find its way into her heart. Or if you are not spiritual then simply wish her well and hope that she can overcome her
ignorance one day. Either way, her ignorance is her problem not yours.
We cannot have it all. Not everyone can have the ideal situation with having everyone in our significant other's life being as happy for our union as we are, but if the love between us and
our significant other is true than that is all the happiness one needs; that is all that truly matters in the end. Good luck.
|
10/31/06
Q
Katrina from New York asked:
Hello Mike,
I am a 25 year old African American female dating a 26 year old East Indian for about a year and a half now.
My parents love him and welcomed him with open arms since day one.
His sister has always felt and still does feel as though he should be with an Indian girl.
He says his parents may feel the same way too.
My boyfriend just recently graduated from grad school and landed a job in MD in which he and I travel back and forth to see each other.
We have been seriously considering getting engaged but it seems like we have all these technicalities before doing so.
His parents know of me but because they live in London, dont know how serious we are and plan to be.
He wants to tell them after his sister's wedding in December, however, he told me he had a plan to make this work by saying untrue things about me, so that they can be more accepting of me!
I love him, but I dont know if its right! If my parents found out he had to STRETCH the truth about me they would think less of him! And they wouldn't get it.
|
11/01/06
A
Mike answers:
Hi Katrina. You know your parents would be absolutely right in thinking less of your boyfriend if he were to go ahead and say untruths about you to his parents. You know, true love has no reason
to feel shame. The fact that your man would even consider doing such a thing is disturbing to say the least. The fact that you would even have spent any time at all contemplating the moral crux
of that suggestion is equally troubling. For the most part, dealing with absolutes in life can be stagnating, and I usually do not like to deal in absolutes but for the exception of aherence to pure virtue. It is not
a good thing, at any time, for someone to accept anyone else not accepting them for who they truly are.
To come at this from another angle; we know that there is the apparent apprehension to how anyone (in this case his parents) will react to who we are as an individual, but say if he was to be able to
cook up a whole palatable persona of you to his folks; they may even grow fond of this whole "image" he would have create of you. Now when the time comes when you actually meet them, and the
truth comes out about who the real you are, they may feel disappointed and you would be in the mess you thought you were avoiding by lying in the first place. It is always ideal for us to wish our
in-laws (or potential in-laws) would be as crazy about us as our mate, but the reality is that anything in life rarely falls into the ideal. Frankly, you only need to be concerned whether or not you have the love of your mate.
Your in-laws, or potential in-laws, do not have to like you, but at least they should respect you. NO ONE RESPECTS A LIAR.
Of course your parents "wouldn't get it". To allow your man to lie about who you are is to say you are ashamed of who you are; and being ashamed of who you are is saying you are ashamed of who your parents are,
since they are a huge part of who you are. I am not saying that you are definitively admitting any shame of yourself, but that is how the fallout of something like what your guy is suggesting would be
perceived. At any rate, no one should have to live a lie; especially when it comes to spending the rest of your life with someone who supposed to protect, honor and respect you as a husband (since you
said you two were thinking of going down that road).
Sometimes we get to see the true caliber of someone's character when they are put into specific situations. I am also not saying definitively that his character is in need of repair, because he is only human
as we all are, and we all have moments of weakness and make mistakes. But some mistakes can be forgiven as there are those that can never be forgiven. So far, his only mistake was making the horrible suggestion
of lying about you to his folks. Like I said, he is only human and he can be forgiven for saying something irrational under a stressful situation. What you need to do is go to him, and let him know that you
do not feel it is right that he not let his parents know who you are without "STRETCHING" the truth. This is where you will begin to see whether or not he is a real man. If his love for you is true,
he will respect your feelings on the matter and try to figure out a more adult, truthful and sensible way of presenting you to his parents. Afterwhich, if his parents cannot accept you for who you are then
he should just leave it as something they have to work out in their own minds; their opinion be damned. A real man is not ashamed of any righteous decision he makes. Choosing someone to love and spend
their lives with in matrimony is a righteous decision, but once you do that, you have to live right by the person to whom you have asked to give their heart to you.
Neither of you guys are little children. What he is thinking of doing is no different than a teenager sneaking out of the bedroom window to see the boyfriend or girlfriend their parents are not fond of. YOU ARE ADULTS!
START ACTING LIKE IT. Life is a scary thing. We do not always know how things will turn out or how people will react to us, but that should not be an excuse for us to start compromising what is most
important in our character. So many times I see people make a mountain out of a molehill. They spend so much time worrying about what might happen, that they wind up making a situation worse by doing
something stupid. Believe me, I was fully aware of the possible negative reaction my wife's family might have when meeting me, but that did not concern me because I knew I was a good person, who
tries to live right and do right by my woman. If my wife's family could not accept me for who I am then that would have been their loss and their problem. The same should go for you Katrina. If you are a
descent human being who is living right and doing right by your man, then there is absolutely nothing for you or him to hide from his parents concerning who you are.
Just give him a chance to man up and let his love and TRUTH to prevail or fear, apprehension and uncertainty. Good luck with your situation Katrina. Hope all works out for the best.
-Michael
|
10/29/06
Q
Dazed and Confused from Georgia asked:
I'm Asian and my boyfriend is black. In the past, I was involved with a black man who had cheated and abused me both emotionally and physically.
This soured my parents' views of black men. When I first started dating my boyfriend, I tried to hide our relationship, but my parents eventually found out.
They did everything from kicking me out of the house to physically assaulting me to pulling a guilt trip on me since I'm their only daughter.
I pretended to break up with him and I've been keeping our secret for the last five years.
I was hoping that my parents would come around since my mother made the comment once that she wouldn't mind having a black son-in-law if he was rich and
famous (my boyfriend is still attending college so his finances are next to nothing and it doesn't help that his family seems to embody every single negative stereotypes of blacks imaginable).
My boyfriend has been in the dark about all this. I don't know what to do. Please help!
|
10/29/06
A
Mike answers:
Well hello there. It is ironic that you used the moniker "Dazed and Confused", because based on what I have read it is apparent that this is true about many key areas you are struggling with; and I will explain.
First I must say that It is truly unfortunate that you had to have such a troubling experience with your former boyfriend. Obviously, you are not so narrow-minded that you new that the negative actions of this
one man has nothing to do with his whole race since you are currently dating a man of the same race.
It is also unfortunate that most people have such small minds that they cannot see others past a stereotype. In our very materialistic society, it is not uncommon for people to
think more highly of those who have surmountable amounts of money over those whose pockets are not as deep. It is not always easy for individuals to come to the realization that
they have surpassed their own parents in areas such as knoweldge and wisdom. I mean these are the people upon whom we have looked up to since we were small children. I know
it must be hard for you to witness the ignorance upon which is being displayed by your parents. What you have to realize and be content with is that you have been blessed to be
able to look at a person for who they are, not for what someone else tells you they are. I must say that your mother sounds extremely shallow. It is obvious that both your parents
already saw people of African descent in a negative way; the incidents with your former boyfriend only served as an affirmation for their ignorance, but for your mother to have believed
the horrors society is telling her darker skinned people are capable of and say it would be fine for her to have a "black son-in-law" so long as he is rich goes to show that she is willing
to put you in danger so long as it puts you and your family next to great amounts of cash. I know that sounds like a harsh accusation but let's be real about it. One of the misinformed
notions about African American people is that we are dangerous to be around (angry, violent, murderers and theives), so why should the fact that we have money make that factor any different? In fact, this is probably one
of the most immature and ignorant thought processes that have plaqued us in present times. I do not know if you've been paying attention to the news reports lately, but there have
been alot of grave mis-deeds and transgressions being commited by the so-called rich lately (reported lately that is, it has always been going on); many times, those transgressions being violent, such as murder. This only goes to prove,
furthermore, that negative behavior not only has nothing to do with race, but also has nothing to do with class. A bad person is a bad person regardless. Just as a good person is a
good person regardless of the size of their wallet or the tone of their skin.
The beginning to any good relationship starts not only with friendship and love, but RESPECT. Often times we may not realize that we are not showing the proper respect to a love one
and that indirect disrespect will start to affect the subconscious of our significant other. Eventually, these subconscious afflictions manest itself in resentment. Bear in mind, before I go
any further, I do not mean that anything you may have done with your last boyfriend caused him to be emotionally and physically abusive to you; not at all. That is a totally different
circumstance. People like him are sick and have their own issues that you are not the cause of. What I do mean is that if your current man is actually a good man, and treats you right,
and if you are doing things that can be considered disrespectful by him, he may start not wanting to spend time with you to the point that he may even want to call it off all together.
What sort of things may you be doing that would be considered disrespectful? Well, consider how you have described your situtation to me. Instead of referring to your man as
African American, you kept refering to him as "black". Now you are not alone in this. Even many African Americans show their own ignorance of self by referring to themselves as an
adjective that makes it is not all together odd for anyone else on the outside to think this is a proper way to refer to a person of African descent. I have said this to other Asian sisters and
brothers in the past who have come to me for advice; I am sure you are familiar with many people who would call an Asian person "yellow" or yellow skinned? Now, consider if people
referred to you as a yellow woman rather than a Korean woman, or Chinese woman or Japanese woman (I do not know your exact ethnicity, so please excuse me). Do you see how
silly it sounds? So just as you would think it is outrageous for someone to speak to you, or of you as a mere adjective, why would you think it is okay to do the same to someone who
is of African descent? Furthermore, I do not know your man's family and what kind of people they are, but to say they embody every negative stereotype says alot about what you
think he is like. I mean, his family is the tree upon which he came. Also, if the so-called "negative stereotypes" you are referring to are simply just bad behaviors, then in essence it
is not a stereotype of African American people, for every kind of person is capable of and have exhibited bad behaviors. I ask you to think hard about what I have just told you
because quite frankly I do not know what you consider a "black stereotype". After all, sometimes a specific group of people can have a particular habit that is not even a bad thing,
but since a racist society like ours associates a specific group of people to negativityin general, something that is good can be considered bad if it comes from that group of individuals; you feel me?
For instance, when a young Caucasian man shows intelligence with buying and selling merchandise, he is said to have good business sense, when a young African American man shows this same
kind of intelligence he is just a hustler, and when we refer to someone as a hustler it is never viewed as a positive thing. Of course that is one simple example but I hope you get the greater point.
The next level of respect to show someone you care about is to offer them the truth. Truth now-a-days is overly subdued. If you care about this man, you would keep him apprised
of what is going on with your family, especially since it concerns him directly. All you are doing is sending him into dangerous territory blind-folded. I know you do not want to tell
him certain things because you are afraid of potential negative reactions he may have. But if you truly respect him and care for him you would give him the chance to show you that
he may have a mature positive reaction to what you parents feel of the situation. Yes it is common for people to meet negativity with negativity, but lo-and-behold, not all people
are like this. To think so is no different than someone who bundles a group of people under a same umbrella of deragetory stigma.
Now back to your parents. Far be it from me to question the love any person has for their offspring, but I must say that it not loving behavior to become physically violent or
emotionally distruptive to someone close to them simply because that person made a choice they may disagree with. Do you see the irony in that your parents got disturbed (rightly so)
when your ex abused you emotionally and physically, but then turned around and did the same thing to you? I'm sure their physical assault was not as grave as that of your ex, but
the act is still the same; and emotional damage is still emotional damage. Now I hope you are not offended by anything I have said regarding your parents, but even if your parents
are not inherently bigots or are violent, actions speak alot as to how people perceive may them, so perhaps they should reconsider how they handle their own emotions and how they act upon them.
Us Americans are always talking about how we are so free, yet we are constantly allowing others to control our every decision. It's one thing for a parent to guide their child's decisions as they raise them,
it is another to have our parent's views forced upon us as adults to the point of a dictatorship. Not being able to choose the direction of your heart and soul is the true essence
of captivity. This way you are never truly free.
I hope that you truly look deep into what I have told you. Even areas that you may think may not apply to you. Open your mind and read into the areas that exist between the words,
then look deep within yourself, for it is only within that you will find the truth. The truth about yourself and the truth about your situation. Sometimes that truth may be hard to acknowledge
but by grasping onto that truth, you will be a better person for it. You will make better decisions, and you will know with greater clarity those who are truly a positive influence in your
life. Sometimes this means putting current relationships into a new perspective. Even relationships with our own parents. Truthfully, all you can do is pray for the mind of those who cannot
see two feet past their face. In the wake of ignorance it is not pity we should show but compassion, for the ignorant do not fully understand the dumb things they say or do. I truly
wish you luck in your situation my friend. Take care.
- Michael
|
10/20/06
Q
Teza from Australia asked:
Hi Mike,
I don't have a question as much as I have a compliment for you.
I really love the way you give advice.
You are very straight forward and just like the picture on the page - it's as if you having a one on one personal and caring talk with a friend.
I am a young African woman living in Australia and I am in a very loving relationship with a young man of Indonesian background who also happens to be younger than me.
As you can imagine, we went through some interesting times with his mother, especially, as he is her only child and son.
His father and step dad and other relatives were so cool about us and accepted me from the beginning. As time went on she began to know who I was as a person and we now get along very well.
She has finally accepted that I will be the mother of her future grandchildren and the wife to the apple of her eye - my boyfriend.
One thing that has really worked for us in the past three years was faith in our relationship and LOTS of communication.
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10/20/06
A
Mike answers:
Hi Teza. Thank you so much for your compliment. It means alot to me. I do like to be as candid as I can be when giving advice to whom ever wishes to receive it.
I'm happy to hear about the positive direction your relationship with your boyfriend's mom has gone; and that you have a strong and loving relationship with your man.
I wish you and your man well in your relationship and in all that you do; now and in the future. If you would like to, you can submit a pic of the two of you and a story to
appear in our Flash Relationship Story Gallery.
Thank again for your compliment Teza. Take care my friend.
Mike.
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8/28/06
Q
Samanta from New York asked:
Dear Mike,
I'm really glad I found your website because I'm terribly desperate.
I'm a 22 year old Asian girl and my boyfriend is black.
My parents are racist (black & Muslim) and I can't deal with that.
They have no clue that I'm going out with a black male for a month now and my boyfriend doesn't know either about how racist my parents are.
I love this guy and he loves me more then anything. I'm really torn and sad right now because I don't know what to do.
Should I tell my boyfriend the truth about my parents???? I don't want to, and should I do the same with my parents.
Both sides will be sooooo mad when the truth finally comes out, especially my parents.
My boyfriend knows that something is going on, but he doesn't know what. He always asks to go out on Saturday night, or even to give me a call, but I refuse all the time.
He doesn't know why I'm acting like that. Pleaseee Mike, tell me what to do because I'm really torn and sad right now.
thxs Samanta
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9/12/06
A
Mike answers:
Hi Samanta. Before I get into the crux of your question, I must ask you to ask yourself, "Do I really love him". I say this because it would seem that now-a-days,
people seem to have very vacant ideas about what love is. There are many facets to why anyone loves someone, but there are also core assertions to love
that have nothing to do with the reasons someone makes your heart go all-a-twitter. The first and foremost aspect is truth. If you love someone, there is no
reason why you should hide the truth about all of who you are from them. It is unfortunate that your family is so bigoted, but that is not your man's fault.
He deserves to know. I mean what will you do, wait until they meet up accidentally and have them call him the N-word or whatever derogatory word they use
in their native tongue?
I have said this to other young sista's like yourself before; and that is that no one likes to be considered someone's dirty little secret. That is exactly, what you
are doing by keeping him a secret from your family. By refusing to profess the love you have for this man to all whom should be aware of it, you are acting like
being with him is wrong or a crime. In essence, you do nothing but validate (in the minds of the racists ones) the point of view of those who would say that
there is something wrong with African people. Furthermore, you make it appear that you yourself believe, in some part of your mind, that there is something
not right with being with an African American man. Of course, your parents will not be happy about it, especially if they are as bigoted as you say; but sometimes
you have to take a stand, as an ADULT, and put your foot down regarding the path you choose to take in your life; especially if when that path is related to whom
you have given your heart to.
Sometimes we get a little too worried about what we think will happen that we tend to allow our fears to keep us from doing the right thing. It may not be as bad
as your mind is making it out to be. Never-the-less, you owe it to both yourself and to the one you love to live by the truth. If you cannot function under truth
with your love, then, your love isn't really true.
In addition, the human mind tends to try and make sense out of things that it knows doesn't make sense. You said it yourself, your boyfriend knows that something is
going on. If you continue to act with such evasive, aloof, and frankly irrational behavior with simple things like letting him call you, he may get the impression that
you are trying to hide something from him. The first inclination for folks in relationships is to believe that their significant other is cheating on them. I am sure that
you do not want his mind to start going places that doesn't exist.
Well, that is all I can really tell you on the matter Samanta, the rest is all up to you. You have to make the choice as to whether or not this man is important enough to you.
You have to make the choice as to whether or not your love is true love. You have to make the decision as to whether or not you are ready to stand up for the decisions
you make and accept those choices, even if others cannot; even if those others are your own family. Good luck.
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7/30/06
Q
Laurie from Ohio asked:
Hi Mike,
I am a 24-year-old African American woman who recently met a 24-year-old Chinese man who I was immediately taken with.
We met at a friend’s birthday party. We talked a ton that night, and on another occasion, and might be going to a concert soon with friends.
We have so many things in common and I absolutely love his personality.
I am not attracted to him because he is Asian but because he is just one of the most wonderful people I have ever met in my life.
I don’t get vibes from him that he likes me, but I’m hoping if we can become better friends, maybe one day he might feel the same way about me.
I’m thinking maybe he just doesn’t even consider me as an option because he might not think I’m into him.
One thing I am worried about is that he came to the birthday party with a mutual female friend of ours and I think he likes her a lot.
They spend a lot of time together. It is very obvious that she does not like or consider him in a romantic way.
She is also Greek and says she definitely wants to marry a Greek boy. I’m sure he must know this, but maybe he is hoping she will change her mind.
He also seemed to be slightly enamored with another one of my friends who is a blonde-haired blue-eyed southern belle from Tennessee.
We had a movie night at my house and he kept repeating things she was saying because he loved the way she talked. The two of us did talk a lot that night though.
Anyway, I have been trying to figure out if he is open to dating outside his race and if he is opposed to dating an African American and how his family would feel about it.
I am scared to ask our mutual friend, because I think that she might tell him and I don’t want to scare him away.
I have looked on facebook at his profile and his siblings. Between the 3 of them they have tons of facebook friends but none are African American.
Someone in his family did marry and have children with a white man so there is at least one interracial marriage.
Also, he does not list R&B, hip-hop or rap as types of music he enjoys. Generally people who are more comfortable around African Americans generally like at least one of these.
I am also insecure because I am a lot larger | |
